FOOTBALL!!!

so i've been invited to be a mad woman this spring. kate has asked me to join her team for the BSSC 2006 spring football season.


WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!

i'm so excited. i've already decided that i'm going to try to get an extra t-shirt because, unbeknownst to my new teammates, toby is going to be our new mascot. at the moment, we're mulling over possible team names. there are a few that make this blogger blush, but here are some of the others:

1) Chuck Norris & Co.
2) Burt Reynolds 4 Life!!!
3) The Never Was
4) Jabronis
5) Steelers Suck
6) Hurricane Ditka

i'm partial to #s 1 & 4. anybody have any ideas?

and just wait. my football skillz are a little rusty, but when i get back into it...

the only thing i'm not terribly fond of is the gender issue. it's a co-ed league, so they're trying to be fair and require that guys pay attention to and include the girls. for as many nice guys out there who happily do that anyway, there are three times as many jicks who think that boobs preclude athletic ability. and yes, i said jicks. you can thank steve for that one. anyway, while i am completely glad that the league is stomping out gender discrimination one drunken football game at a time, it kind of irks me. i guess it's because i'm used to playing with boys. growing up, there WERE no girls or co-ed soccer leagues in my area. i had to jump in on a boys' team. so to get any playing time, i had to be as skilled, as fast, and as fearless as my teammates. so mud, grime and bodychecks don't really bother me. they're a part of sports, in my mind. and so is the idea that, if you want to play, than you need to step up and be noticed for your own skills and not because of bylaw 3.A, section 7, paragraph 2D.

one of my greatest moments in sports came in high school. i was the only girl signed up for flag football, and the guys on my team were really accepting and helped me learn a thing or two. we were up for a championship, playing defense, and the center and QB laughed that i was on the line. the ball was snapped, and before the QB even realized what'd happened, i'd slipped by his line and sacked him. they were pissed but figured it was a fluke. switch to us playing offense. QB put the ball in my hands and i took off, since nobody figured that i needed to be covered. then i caught a long bomb and took it in for a TD. needless to say, we won. AND DAMMIT, THE OTHER TEAM WAS BEATEN BY A GIRL. POO. sissies.

i guess when it comes down to it, there are times when there doesn't need to be pre-game field leveling. i would much rather get playing-time on my own merits than be out on the field by default, because of a rule that says my team forfeits if enough girls aren't playing. BUT, i'm going to bite my tongue and just enjoy being out there.

and those QBs better look out because... jeremiah trotter and brian urlacher got nothin on me.


;)

joannahood

i just got the birth announcement for my niece. she's four months old. in the accompanying picture, she's all squinty, as if suspicious of the myriad unknown eyes staring back at her. i bend my neck to as close as 90deg. as possible to have the same orientation--me the quirky aunt who's about to fall off her chair in her cube and she the investigative yet relaxed baby lying on her blanky. it's so crazy. i love this baby girl, even though i haven't spent much time with her. it's not that i don't love manny and benice; ask anybody who knows me, and they'll tell you how sometimes i really need to shut up. they all know by now that manny's favorite song is "beyond the sea" and that benice was a lion-bear for halloween `05. but there's something about clara, and i can't put my finger on it.

maybe, in a sense, i'm fascinated by little-girl-ness. if i want to get very psychological about it, i would have to bet that i'm searching for my own girlhood when i see clara. i still try to come up with "what it means," what my childhood and girlhood have added up to when creating my mehood. i have this little album on my shelf at home, and it's full of pictures of me over a period of about 20 years. occasionally i've thought that keeping such an album is a bit odd, perhaps egotistical, but, every time i go through it, i find that i'm still searching for myself and even trying to get something back that ostensibly was lost.

a lot of times, i struggle with "why am i this way?" it's as if i'm trying to slowly rewind the surveillance tapes to pinpoint the moments and the faces that influenced my course. i most often do that with my mood disorder. but that's largely a biological and spiritual question. but anyway. if i was looking at some of those pictures right now, i'd say that i was happy, lively, outgoing, friendly. and cute. (sorry, i can't help that, but my baby pictures really are adorable.) so maybe i really haven't lost much. or if i have, a lot of it was chaff that needed to fall by the wayside in order for me to become who i am now. maybe that's more important than figuring out what it all means, or maybe that's what it does actually mean.

so look at some of the pictures of me now, and see if i'm still happy, lively, outgoing and friendly. you can also fill in the cute part if you want. :)

fruitcakes, part two

jimmy buffett forgot to add an appendix to the manual...

99% of the time, we're genuinely good people. and then there's the other 1% of the time.

i feel like a complete ass. and i'm sorry.

fruitcakes

Here come the big ones - Relationships.

We all got 'em, we all want 'em.

What do we do with'em?

Here we go I'll tell ya...

thank goodness jimmy buffett is around to give us the love manual.

i was talking to russ last night about this stuff, and i realized that i have been completely oblivious in the past ?? years. i've always had the idea that no matter what, i can force the issue and make things change the way i want them. because i'm me, and i'm cute, and therefore everybody will want to do things the way i want them to be done. :)

turns out, this is not so much the case. why has it taken me about ten years to realize that guys aren't necessarily chatty? didn't it occur to me that they don't terribly care about who said what behind whomever else's back and then what did she say to her best friend who went and told the other best friend who wasn't supposed to know? and when i would stop mid-sentence and notice that the eyes had glazed over, i would be pissed because i wasn't being listened to. but now i finally get it that the selective listening doesn't signal a lack of caring. and it in no way means that i have to work harder to "train" him. that's just absurd, and women should just throw the concept of "training" down the trash compactor. the man is not an animal that has to be taught to roll over or wag his tail or bark at the door.

anyway, i have learned to recognize the unspoken ways by which he shows affection. for instance, it feels great when he invites me to various parties/nights out/ hang-out time with his friends. not only is it nice to be in his company, but it also tells me that he's showing me off a little. i didn't make that assumption--it's something he told me a while back. there's also the sharing thing--introducing me to his favorite music, asking that we watch one of his favorite shows together because he thinks i'll really like it, and taking me to bojangles because the biscuits and chicken are to die for. it really is... those are only a few things that i'm learning to see in a different light.

i'm also trying to find different ways to be there for him. first and foremost (this will sound a bit oxymoronic...), i'm making an effort to relax. it's my opinion that a lot of women get very high strung and anxious if there is a dearth of daily phone calls or check-ins or whatever. and i've started to realize that it's not because a guy doesn't care, but that sometimes that's not his most favorite way of communicating (see mention of chatting above). second, i tend to try to get gifts and make a big deal over holidays and birthdays and fridays and sundays and usually mondays, tuesdays, wednesdays, thursdays and saturdays. i've always thought of gift-giving as a way to make somebody feel loved and cared for and special blah blah blah blah blah blah. and i've realized that that makes some people very self-conscious, and it can even make a situation awkward, because it's not always easy to interpret the vein in which the gift is given. that's why, this valentine's day, i don't want much of anything. i'd like to get him a tiny little something, but i'm not ready to drop the L-bomb yet, and i don't want him to feel that he has to either. at this stage, it's too possible that we're not on the same page, and that would just be, as i said, very awkward for all parties involved.

so i have to thank russ (and steve and kevin) for enlightening me. they are the buddhas in my relationship life-path.

and for valentine's day, just a little daisy would be nice.

:)

hi

first of all, here's a *new* picture of my niece clara. she's on the right, hanging with pal zady hasse. if you look closely at her, clara looks A LOT like her brother benici. she'll be four months old this sunday. she's grown so much since i've seen her last, and i miss her. i hope that i get more chances to see her. i want so much to connect with her.



so i wouldn't normally bring this up, but today i can blame it on my new doctor. awesome. anyway, i have a new psychiatrist, and doug and i seem to click. and somehow yesterday during our session, the topic of meds and pregnancy came up. i know that i won't have children of my own for a long time, so it's not an immediate issue, but it's still something that i think about. for a woman with any psychiatric disorder, it can be very risky for her and her baby to change her medication routine. there are some drugs that are more dangerous than others, but not even the pharmaceutical (sp?) companies know that much about lamictal and its effects on the child and his or her mother. i don't really have any conclusions about this right now, except (and this might be completely unrelated anyway) that i know that i want a little girl of my own some day. so whatever.

on a lighter note, i had a great workout today. my office's location is primo, in that i can warm-up by jogging by the harbor and then do a workout at Rash Field or Federal Hill. i did Fed. Hill 8x today, and even though it was challenging, i got a lot out of it. granted, by the time i was nearing the crest on #8, my quads were seizing up, and i was basically stumbling to the top. but it was worth it. thank goodness for growing up at Cedar Crest where all we did was hills. hills... yum. my bread and butter.

the only down thing about doing hills today was that i ran into a hater. people know that i run. i love it. it's one of my favorite things in life, so i'm going to try to do it and feel good about it. i don't brag, i don't try to force other people into it, and i don't lord a superiority complex over non-runners. so when i was headed back, i ran into an acquaintance, and the person said, "i hate you." now obviously, it wasn't said with malice. but at the same time, when i passed the run off as a positive experience, largely because it's a gorgeous day outside, the response was "that's why i hate you." what's that about? i'm not taking this personally, except to the degree that i'm wondering why people get this way. are people jealous that somebody is getting outside and exercising, when in fact there is nothing stopping them from doing the same? very rarely is there an actual "i can't;" it's more often than not an "i won't." so i'm not going to do anything about that; it's their problem. and come summer 2006, when i'm looking hot in my brand new two-piece and they're cowering indoors in a pair of overalls, we'll just know who has reaped the better reward. so there, hater.

outside beauty

i can't believe the sun today. i headed downtown on rt. 83, and the fog was so present that i couldn't see the traffic lights until i was practically on top of them. as the day progressed, the fog rose and the sun was brilliant across the harbor. when i went outside to go run, there was still a hint of haze clinging to the water and the local city air. it made a rather unpleasant workout semi-bearable. i warmed up by running over to rash field, and after some good stretching, i did 6 quarters. repeats have always been my bread and butter, but after having been out due to various injuries/illnesses/etc., i was feeling the adverse effects of stressing my body. or maybe that was the bag of carrots that i ate about an hour before running... all told though, it was a very thorough workout, with a cool-down that was a bit longer and included two flights of stairs. my HR was elevated, and my energy returned when i got back to the office. i've been feeling pretty refreshed for the past few hours, so this was a good thing.

on another note, i wish that people wouldn't say anything sometimes, that they would leave some things unsaid. last night, i was talking to one of my closest friends. he happens also to be an ex of several years ago. and that's important. we got onto the topic of S.O.s and where things stand in that department. and for some reason, the conversation nearly always meanders back to what went haywire when we were dating. at that point in my life, i felt that i was only a little more attractive than your average shrub. and here he tells me that he was crazily attracted to me, wanted this, wanted that. and i had noooooooo idea. what ifs that should have stayed in came out. it made me uncomfortable. don't get me wrong--i love this guy like a brother, and, unless he does something really bad, i always will. but why can't stuff just be left alone? tell me that. tell me why he doesn't go on and on about his girl and how attracted he is to her. tell me why he even cares who i'm with and how that's going. but this will blow over quickly, i think. he's too much of a stand-up guy to do anything radically stupid. go him.

actually, it's partly because of him that i had some self-image problems. "katie holmes this," "katie holmes that"--if you're sick of her now, i was nauseated to the nth degree because i had to hear about her every other minute. a guy i wasn't even dating at the time told me i was beautiful; i was so stunned that i almost fell out of my chair. my guy hadn't yet, and we'd been together for about six months. not to put a timeline on stuff, but when you've been with a girl for awhile and supposedly care about her and are attracted to her, you might want to mention something positive about her appearance.

things have drastically changed since then. i truly believe in my own being--in every aspect, good and bad. i know that i can go out with the girls and make some heads turn and jaws drop (yeah, Crease!). i get that at the beach or poolside, i look best in a two piece and have thus marked the VS swim shop as my favorite store EVER. i am very mindful about how i dress and where i am and who is with me; being classy and sexy is vastly different from being slutty. some girls don't get that. and a big change from before is that there is someone who can deal with my heinous sleep hair first thing in the morning or will look at me when i'm dazed and half asleep and still proceed to say that i'm cute or has fun picking me up, marveling at how tiny (is he sure?!) i am.

for the two guys reading, i'm not trying to crucify anybody, nor am i trying to make anybody self-conscious or weirded out. i'm not mad or upset. i love the people in my life. but histories are complicated, whether they're complete or in the making. and what i'm trying to make of all this is an accurate remembrance of how i've grown and changed in recent years and who has surrounded me in that time. this is my way of saying things that i can't say in person.

and i have a lot to say...

running with toby

it was beautiful outside today, and toby and i went to do our figure-8 loop in wyman park. we were out for twenty minutes in the twilight, not counting the minutes he spent smelling other dogs' butts. it felt good to get back outside; i haven't been doing it for a little while because my L knee has been bitching and screaming because it's really tight. but anyway. i'm starting on my training routine this coming tuesday. i'm going to begin easy, with 6x400m at only 70% or so. don't let me go crazy-fast! i can go hard, but it wouldn't be smart of me at this point. then wednesday will be slow, easy, and thursday will be a few easy hills. i say easy, meaning hard-as-shit federal hill hills. but i'll take it slow, warm up a lot and not do a whole bunch. so we'll see how this first week goes. i want to be back in shape for the Shamrock 5K, and i'm still thinking about the B&A Trail Half Marathon. woo! i know that one won't be hard, since a)i've run that trail before, and it's very relaxed, and b)i did a whole freakin marathon, so i shouldn't have to bust my butt too hard in order to finish.

it's official. i love running. ergo, i'm insane. but we already knew that. :)

if i've ever lusted after anything before...

i first posted this picture when i started my blog this past summer. i still want this car. it's beautiful. now here comes the dilemma. we're not even talking affordability right now because this is still a little out of my reach. but anyway. i have a slight issue--i would **love** a G6 in electric blue. blue. i love blue. can you tell? but... ELECTRIC blue is only available on the GT model. the 6 cylinder model comes in red, silver, beige, black, green and ivory, i think. boring. at least to me. i love blue. BUT, the GT doesn't have as good gas mileage. not even considering my wallet, i really feel that i should be responsible to the environment by showing good stewardship of available fuels. so color really isn't that important.

then on top of that, should i consider a hybrid? i truly love pontiacs, especially my grand am and the G6s. thing is though, i drive up to PA and down to the DC quite often, and i put at least 15K miles on my cars every year. GM and other domestic companies don't seem to have fully embraced hybrid technology, and i really wish they would; i'm more inclined to buy domestic because i consider it to be a smidge cheaper, maintenance-wise. are there any car-heads out there who can give me any feedback? i'd really appreciate it...






oh, and the solstice is hot. but i can't tote toby in it because he'd jump out the side. too bad.

chris toll

unfortunately i can't think of any other phrase, so please forgive the usage...

i have to *give props* to chris toll. he's a coworker of mine, but more importantly, he's a poet. he shared his work with me this morning, and this one is my favorite:

"tears made flesh"--http://www.rockheals.com/archives/2006/01/tears_made_fles.html

articles and prepositions aside, every word is culled from spam. use the back button to find two other poems. enjoy!

apparently, some MBAs need to re-take Business 101...

even if you're not obsessed with the stock market, you are obsessed with your wallet. don't deny it. and don't be ashamed; we're all consumed by that little fold of pleather in our purses/pockets, no matter how otherwise transcendent we say we are. i've learned that this tiny little fascination is okay, since, truthfully, neglect of finances is just as bad as tearing one's hair out over them. but i digress.

i've been on a kick to get financially fit lately, and in one of my first forays into business/money publications, i found a great source of relief. ignorant as i am of particular money terms, trends and take-downs, i am most CERTAINLY....

NOT AS DUMB AS THESE PEOPLE: http://money.cnn.com/magazines/business2/101dumbest/full_list/

please let me enjoy my little moment of superiority. thx.

according to scientific research, today sucks.

NEW RESEARCH PROCLAIMS JANUARY 24TH AS THE MOST DEPRESSING DAY OF THE YEAR

Dateline: January 17, 2006 ... New York, NYContact Name: Lori Ames, Jane Wesman Public Relations, Inc.Contact Phone: 212-620-4080 x12E-mail: lori@wesmanpr.com

Dr. Kathleen Hall, Founder and President of The Stress Institute, and author of "A Life In Balance", is available to help readers avoid the January 24th blues.

NEW YORK, NY - January 17, 2006 - Using a variety of emotional and stress factors, recent research published in "Health" magazine proclaims January 24th to be the most depressing day of the year. People feel as if there is a shadow over them; with low light levels creating Seasonal Affective Disorder, holiday bills hitting the mailbox, and New Year's resolutions already broken, depression is rampant. While post holiday blues are common, stress expert Dr. Kathleen Hall, author of the new book "A Life In Balance", says there are many steps people can take to create happiness in their dreary lives during the darkest and coldest days of the year.

"People experienced sensory overload during the holidays: the lights, the smells of pine and peppermint, sounds of music, the aromas, sight and taste of foods, and the touch and connection with others. By January, they are now experiencing a flat, hollow, sad feeling," says Hall.

Dr. Hall offers these tips to create happiness and energy:
1. Food: Try new foods that haven't been eaten before. Get the family to choose a cuisine and everyone can cook it together. Try mango salad or black bean lasagna.
2. Color: Add color. Purchase an inexpensive tablecloth with happy bright colors, maybe orange or yellow. Keep bright flowers on the kitchen table. Find some inexpensive bright colored pillows to throw on the couch. Accessorize with a bright scarf or shoes.
3. Have Fun: Schedule one or two nights a week to turn off the television and have game night. Play board games, cards, or watch a funny movie (research shows this will get the endorphins going).
4. Introspection Time: Have each family member choose a word to describe 2005 and what their word is for the coming year, 2006, and explain why he or she chose each word.
5. Time Alone: Each family member takes ten minutes, Monday, Wednesday and Friday (pick any three days of the week) to take a bath, read, paint, or take a nap to help recharge in these draining times.

borrowed from the washington post; article from the blog can be found at: http://blog.washingtonpost.com/rawfisher/

politiks

most of my friends and family know that i have a certain distaste for certain politicians and parties. and yet, i am *trying* to be fair when it comes to choosing who will get my vote in the 2006 Maryland gubernatorial election. i've perused duncan, o'malley and ehrlich's websites, and i want to throw out some impressions and conclusions...

regarding points raised on doug duncan's campaign website--i'm curious as to the tone of the following two quotes that relate to education:

"Montgomery's school system is the largest and most diverse in the State, with more than 120 different languages spoken and a student body that is 55 percent minority. Yet, Montgomery students posted the highest SAT scores in Maryland."

Again, "With the most diverse school population in Maryland, Montgomery County students have produced the best SAT scores in the history of Maryland. "

i don't dispute the diversity of Montgomery County, but i do question the connotation of the word's usage in these quotes. is it expected that a diverse population will collectively perform poorly in comparison to a more homogenous one? essentially, i'm not sure what the article's author(s) intends(intend) to imply.

one of duncan's efforts that i do appreciate is that of alleviating healthcare stress among minorities. see the following quote:

"To help eliminate health disparities among minority residents, Doug has supported community-based health initiatives focused on African American, Latino, and Asian American residents. The county partners with community-based health promoters to provide health education and outreach to specific minority communities, and funds faith-based health clinics that serve thousands of at-risk families. "

as one who is hit by medical costs, i can understand what it means to have to choose between medication and rent.

i appreciate the fact that duncan has taken the pains to preserve maryland's farmland. i've seen my hometown, Lebanon, PA, transform from beautifully plowed, rolling fields to boxy, misplaced suburban developments. it makes me want to throw up. so somebody needs to keep a hold on the last few open spaces that we have available to us. and not the least of his accomplishments: "Thanks to his landmark land preservation efforts, Montgomery County ... is Maryland's leading pumpkin producer." now that's just awesome.

next i turn to martin o'malley, baltimore's current mayor. trying to fend off my boyfriend's volleys of disparaging remarks about baltimore, i tell him about how much improvement the city has seen in the past two decades. indeed, o'malley's term has seen baltimore breathing again. it is possible for cities to make giant turnarounds (e.g., NYC). i do, however, have some issues with the current state of my city. see the following:

"Martin O’Malley shattered Baltimore’s string of 10+ years of more than 300 homicides, cutting homicides by an average of 18%. During his term as Mayor, the city recorded its fewest homicides since 1988."

on the one hand, reduction of any sort is great. but, it stands that, as of data* referring to 2003 and 2002 respectively, maryland is the second worst state in the U.S. for murder, and baltimore is the 3rd worst largest city in the U.S. for murder, with a rate of 38.3 homicides per 100,000 people. we have the ignominious distinction of having "beaten" chicago, philadelphia and even los angeles. lovely.

o'malley is not without positives, however. after 9/11, he invested nearly 6x the amount provided by the federal government toward baltimore's defense in the event of a terror attack. also, he recognizes the importance of nurturing a city-wide renaissance:

"Martin O’Malley’s leadership in revitalizing Baltimore’s neighborhoods, promoting parks and bike paths while creating new, vibrant live-work-play communities have stemmed Baltimore’s population loss and made the city a model for large-scale Smart Growth."

as a girl who seriously hates the suburbs, the exurbs and gentrification, i applaud the wave of revitalization that is giving breath to some of the quirkiest (read "hampden") neighborhoods in the city.

last, but (to be fair) not least--bob ehrlich. i like that he's all about fiscal responsibility. this probably isn't the strongest analogy, but i know that from my personal finances, i can't be productive when trying to operate while in major debt. ehrlich has made moves to transform "$4 billion in deficits into a $1.7 billion surplus in just three years." cha-ching! according to his campaign website, he has also "reduced government bureaucracy by seven percent. " that usually sounds good. but...

what i do have to question about ehrlich is the vagueness of the material on his website. in contrast to the information provided on his opponents' sites, there is only one page to address several issues, and the points that are addressed provide nothing to which the numbers given can be compared. for instance, referring to the bureaucracy issue above, let's just say that we're going to use dollars instead of an intangible term (that's the first problem). we have to recognize that 7% of $1000 is far greater than 7% of $10. so by how much did ehrlich really reduce bureaucracy? i want to question the completeness of the information provided by the website, as at least four bullet points have ambiguous figures and at least nine lack necessary background information.

all told, i've evaluated the candidates' stances for myself, and i still have some thinking to do. i'm not going to tell you who's in and who's out so far because, frankly, that's none of your beeswax. but if you're a maryland resident, check out the websites for yourself and get to the polls. see you in november!

*this information comes from "Death by Murder," by ben best (http://www.benbest.com/lifeext/murder.html#usa).

>These quotes are taken from Doug Duncan, Martin O'Malley and Robert Ehrlich's campaign websites: http://www.dougduncan.com, http://www.martinomalley.com/, and http://www.bobehrlich.com/. I am not using the quotes for endorsement purposes, but rather to pose questions and provoke thoughtful discussion.

*Not Myself*--John Mayer

Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
There are times
I lose my worried mind

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
Words will go
From poetry to prose

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

And I, in time, will come around
I always do for you

Suppose I said
You're my saving grace?

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

short

so grandpa's in the ICU. it was massively unsettling when i was going through his photography yesterday. it felt something that's done after, you know? i think it falls to me to archive all of our family work, regardless of what happens to gpa. something tells me that i should think of that as an honor or a special task or something.

i'm so confused right now. gpa and i weren't super-close when i was growing up, but as i've grown older, i've learned a lot more about him, and we seemed to develop a good repoire. it's not the overly gushy type. rather, it's the exchange. gpa and gma give my family a sense of history. in fact, gpa was constantly working on some way to preserve the tons of family photographs, and we have some that go back to the 1890s. when he was able, he would categorize, label, scan, etc., etc. and now who's going to do that? i don't know who these people are. so what does that do with those empty spaces that need names? how do i fill in my family history? what happens now?

new year's pix!!! (part A)

me, kate, christine, & steph: ladies, roll!

ask kate about the random flashing in fells. ;)

the dungeon at john's place. he keeps bad students down there.
























cory & charmain (sp?-sorry guys!!!)














leah & sabrina, friends of c & ch. very cool girls!













court & lucy













there was much foosballin. sadly, chris and i got DESTROYED (not shown here)...















W!



















shake ya groove thang, shake ya groove thang
















crowd on the porch before the midnight fireworks (below)

happy new year! :)

why do gorillas have big nostrils?

because they have big fingers.

happy 2006!

happy new year, everybody! woo! any big, overwhelming resolutions? any teeny, but still worth-their-salt ones? i'd like to say that i have some, but i don't. i'm having a remarkably frustrating time focusing on anything. but whatever.

and NOW is the time for the sweeping generalizations about the year come and gone that was 2005:

1. it blew. really. i couldn't believe how much natural disaster showed its face. as i go through each year, i feel as if the earth wants more and more to shake us out of her skirts.
2. BUT, despite FEMA-made disasters, we worked hard for each other. baltimore's running community really looked into itself--we get so many race shirts that we don't wear, so we sent them to those who lost everything. loyola of MD and other universities took displaced students. while there wasn't 100% success in helping those who needed help, there was some. that gives us some hope, right?
3. **IRONY COMING**--> marking time is kind of silly. i got a master's degree, moved (again), re-upped with the worst place of business in the world, met somebody, unmet that person, met somebody else, welcomed a niece into the family, quit that place of BS, became gainfully (and happily) employed at a nice new place of business, am still meeting that somebody else and enjoying it quite a lot, and am providing indirect care to a family (my family) that' s in the midst of a huge transition. that's a lot of shit. and other years have been quieter. so what does a "year" mean? dare i beg Rent's biggest question???
4. the movies were horrible, in that i didn't have enough time or $$$ to see them. and there are so many that i've wanted to see. i think i only went to two this whole year--kingdom of heaven (ding!) and batman begins (ding!, for a different reason). i still want to see Walk the Line, Narnia, and Syriana.

woops, bbl...

so maybe mom is right

i hate when that happens.

but, it happens a lot, so i might as well get used to it.

after some genuine angst-ing last night and the unavailability of my best friend to counsel me at oh-my-god o'clock this morning, i decided that i needed to talk to my mom about said angst. at least in my 26 years i've come so far as to realize the wisdom of that move. anyway, she once again shed a refreshingly knowing light on my situation, and she said something she's said a few times before. i've decided it's time to listen to her.

mom doesn't let the fact that i'm her only daughter get in the way of honesty, and she told me that, periodically, i am a saboteur of my own happiness. i read way too much into things, and in an effort to avoid somebody else shooting me in the heart, i end up shooting myself in the foot instead. and when i think about it, so what if somebody does? i've taken it for the team before, and i've always had people backing me up.

it occurs to me that i get scared of good things. it's been a pattern of mine to think, when something positive happens, that the other shoe has to drop soon, and it's going to drop hard. how sad and cynical is that? come to think of it, i'm that way about a lot of things--relationships, having bipolar disorder, jobs and the future in general. i've never before thought of myself as a pessimist, but maybe i am. i don't want to be. can i change that?

ruminations

now i feel lazy. check out this article:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/28/AR2005122801369.html

once again, i <3 the washington post. HOORAY, washington post! anyway, reading this article makes me think about the differences between the united states and other countries. here, i've never had to worry about being forced into marriage or anything like that, and i've had the freedom to go get whatever education i've wanted. but in ethiopia, i might be considered an old maid at 26. and what about running? what kind of *thing* is it for me? what place does it have? i was getting excited last night about a bunch of races, but sometimes, it's a chore and something that worries me and gives me some anxiety. for these girls, it's literally a path to freedom and a better future. now, i will say that i wouldn't trade the liberties that i have here for anything, but it makes me think about how i much i take certain things for granted. how can i transform running into something more meaningful? any ideas?

my dog is hiding from me at the moment

i don't know what's gotten into toby since we've returned to baltimore. maybe it's the fact that we're back into my 40hr work week schedule, but we weren't ever really out of it, except for on monday. i don't know. whatever.

i finally got out the door today to run. i went during my lunch hour, and i saw some parts of baltimore i hadn't seen since the marathon. basically, i ran down to camden yards and back, with little detours on conway and around the aquarium. i was out for ~30 min, and i managed to get back in, de-gross-ify and eat a yummy lunch too. awesome.

i went out on monday too, and i did the standard jhu loop. have to say--i wore the underarmour mom and dad got me for christmas, and can i say that I LOVE IT?!!!! there, i said it. the other tights i've had always lost the warmth after a mile or so, but these babies kept it for 99% of the run. and the top? functional AND hot.

so, hopefully i'll stop being a lazy ass and start getting out on a regular basis. goals: B&A half marathon, shamrock 5K, rockville pike's peak, and VA 5K. maybe i'll do the national half as well. we'll see.

score!

not so humbug anymore

as if i needed a reason to save some pennies... the only problem with the craft movement is that you've got to spend to get started. i would <3>to make my own jewelry, and i would <3 to make pillows, towels, etc., etc. i already <3 making scarves. did you notice that i <3 things? i <3 you too, you cutie.

;)

part of the craft-draw for me is how it connects me to grandma hixson. she died two years ago, and i miss her, but everytime i pick up my needles or wrap up in the blanket she knitted for me, i know she loves me. i think that's a major bonus of the wearable-crafts; we can wear the love of another person on our bodies. i greatly admire maria and her painstaking efforts to make the boys' costumes. they're too little to realize how much of her heart went into those fabric-y bluebirds, but i can appreciate that the feathers are not made just of felt.

maybe, when i finish my current project, i'll look into jewelry next. or, there's the option of embroidery. that seems very hard, but it could be good. detailed challenges tend to slow my sometimes manic brain. in other words, it's cheap therapy. maybe my sewing skills will somehow magically improve as well. to be able to measure accurately, cut, pin and sew a straight line, and to finish a real pattern?! i could make skirts or sheet sets or curtains or maybe even a dress! i'd be unstoppable!

baby steps, jo... baby steps.

post-Christmas whatev

am i only 26 and yet already jaded? i don't know. what i do know is that i was very frustrated with Christmas this year. i knew going into it that it wasn't going to be bing crosby and "holiday inn" and all that, and yet, i was hoping for something anyway. turns out, my whole family was tired, annoyed and at wit's end as to how to get some equilibrium back into life. and it's all because of time. i'm watching my grandfather and grandmother age with such rapidity that it's a little bit frightening, and my dad is being worn down in the process. that's not what Christmas is about, is it? let me break out the tried-and-true elementary school whine of "it's not fair."

i look at my mom as she tries to keep dad together. sometimes, she tries too hard to be the peacemaker and doesn't let people express seeds of discontent or conflict. that can make things worse sometimes, but somehow she knows to balance that and to really let things fly. she can intuit when dad needs alone time and when to "let" him buy a new major power tool. it makes him feel good.

i look at my grandmother as she shuffles around my parents' house. it saddens me sometimes to know that she locks herself into a depression and will not let us help her get herself out of it. and perhaps, i don't have enough patience with her about that, since i know that often our thought patterns can be self-defeating, and that that can be overcome. and sometimes she won't do that. she chooses sadness and guilt and emotional flagelation (sp?), and it makes me mad because she then dumps her weight on everyone else. again, maybe i'm being too hard on her, but i recognize those thought and behavior patterns because it used to be me, 100%, and a long time ago, i recognized how burdensome and hurtful it can be to other people. it's unnecessary, and it makes me angry sometimes that she won't get over herself. grandpa's declining health is not God punishing her. does anybody notice, by the way, how self-focusing depression can be? and yet, i love grandma so much. our relationship has changed so much in the past year. we've always been close, and then last year, she was screaming in my face for a myriad of things, her own health being a big problem. and now, her health is better, but grandpa suffers, and so grandma and i talk a lot. she talks about how she doesn't deserve things, about how her kids and grandkids are so much better than her, and so on and so forth. can she tell me when she stopped deserving human dignity and love and compassion and respect? if you confront her with a question like that, she'll hem and haw and acknowledge that she's an okay person. it pains me to see her picture of herself cloud over and diminish.

i look at myself occasionally pulling my hair out because i don't see anything tangible that i can do; there's no way to "rescue" anybody. i'm two hours away (if i go the speed limit), and i have my own obligations that keep me here in baltimore. on the other hand though, it's probably very fortunate that i'm not tied down. if i had a family, i'd still make the effort, but as things are now, it is much easier for me to drop everything and head north if need be. anyway, my family is in a major state of transition, one that started in 2004. there is so much changing right in front of my eyes, and i'm still trying to make sense of it. who are we now? who am i now? where do i belong? should i spend more time in PA or plow through down here? i have difficulty figuring these things out...

what i'm coming to realize is how much these people anchor me and i them. part of me wants to detach a little bit and settle myself in my own way, have something of my own. dammit, i'm so confused...

the washington post has two articles on Bipolar Disorder in today's issue. both are very well done. both make me cry.

confronting my disease is always hard. sometimes i feel like i don't have the right to call it that, even though, left untreated, like any other disease, it could kill me. but i won't let it. i'm sitting here in my cube, looking at the little momentos that i have, and i'm trying hard not to sob. i don't want my coworkers to hear.

compared to other bipolar sufferers, i have things under control pretty well. i'm what is labeled as "functioning." i've never had a manic episode like that which michelle capots describes (see first article). my most extreme depressive episode occurred almost three years ago, which, in the world of major disorders, is EONS into the past.

but whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

i still get angry that i have bipolar. i know that gives the disease a small degree of power over me, but doesn't it already have that? i live my life as two sides; on one, i'm infuriated and enraged at this thing that seems to have a chokehold on my mind, and on the other, i'm just grateful to know the grace of being alive. the one redeeming (?) aspect of this situation is that i'm not ignorant. long before i was diagnosed as having bipolar, in fact two years before being diagnosed as being chronically depressed, i knew that there was deeper value in knowing the greatest depth of emotion, as opposed to skimming along the surface. because of what i've seen within myself, i have a greater appreciation for what is truly beautiful. take from that what you will.

i can't concentrate right now. are we surprised? not at all. i just want to leave, drive down to chris's place and make dinner, and then we could curl up on the couch and get the sleep that we both (but him more than me) desperately need.

i hope that this isn't too personal, but i appreciate chris for something i bet he doesn't even realize that he gives. when he's silent and looks into my eyes, everything that he doesn't even know he can say is said, and i can rest. and for someone with bipolar, a moment's peace is the greatest treasure in the world. i can get so worked up with mania or depression, and it's scary. so i think that, after knowing those kinds of moments, i can truly appreciate somebody who doesn't have to save the world or fix me or be perfect; i am blessed to be with somebody who is simply himself and knows that that is enough.


please read these articles, as they will educate you and enable you to be there for somebody or, this is a distinct possibility, even be there for yourself.

"Dealing with Bipolar Disorder"--an account of a manic episode, by Michelle Capots
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/13/AR2005121301551.html

"A Sudden Shift in Moods"--an article explaining cyclomythia, a form of bipolar disorder, by Stacey Colino
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/17/AR2005121700892.html

ugly mirrors

for the first time in a long time, i was disatisfied with my image today. of course, it couldn't have come at a worse time. i haven't seen chris in almost two weeks, and i wanted to find an outfit that would look especially sweet. just for him. and of course, what i tried on in the dressing room made me feel as though two prize elephants had just taken up residence in my thighs.

thanks.

now, i'm not some ignorant, blind, appearance-obsessed Cosmo adherent who has nothing better to think of herself than as an ill-made mannequin for somebody else's vision of beauty. please. that is so passe. but, for what it's worth, i truly believe that every woman struggles with who she is outwardly, in large part because she doesn't feel the way she thinks she looks, for better or for worse. i don't think i can explain that. it's even confusing to me, and i'm going through it right now.

what does 20+ years bring to a woman's body? right now, i'm popping my gum, daydreaming about my boyfriend and listening to cds while chair dancing in my cube. and yet, my body looks older than that. i'm not sure how i feel about this. and of course, if sharone or olethia or kim or cecilia or any of the older women in my life read this, they'd smack me silly because i'm just 26. but seriously, i have this thing about aging. sometimes, i feel no older than 6, and lately i wonder if that's as acceptable. is my spirit supposed to match my body? and if the answer is yes, then what am i supposed to do? lose my fondness for sharp crayolas and a blank piece of paper?

it's a strange thing for me. i really enjoy feeling womanly, and simultaneously, i prize the fact that i still possess what is, in some ways, a child's heart. this has me going in circles sometimes. i guess i don't really have a definitive picture of who, or what, i am.

it's not so big of a crisis, i think. i'll get back into shape soon, and ultimately i am not disastisfied with my body; sometimes, i just have Really Bad shopping days. damn the dressing room. these days, i know that i am loved for who i am, even if i don't know precisely who that is. so, i think my whimsy can reside in this body, this body with PowerThighs and UberButt. my whimsy laughs at that picture.

now give me my crayons.

the irony of ann coulter

i have no wish to waste more of my time on her than necessary, but... ms. coulter, "stupider" is not a word.

Happy Holidays, Hon!

i live in hampden. need i say more? no, but seriously. i think the entire state of delaware was there last night, just to see 34th st. this time of year, it's known as "the miracle on..." and it has to be, mainly because there hasn't been a spectacular fire in all the years they've been putting up the light display.

i borrowed this picture from www.christmasstreet.com, a site that you HAVE TO VISIT to get an idea of what the magic is All About. while it's an excellent picture, it only shows two of the decorated houses. that's right folks, the entire block is festooned in similar fashion. yeah, festooned. oh boy.

i run the risk of being accosted if any of my neighbors are reading this, mostly because, to live in hampden, you by in large have to have great pride in the little neighborhood. otherwise, nobody in her right mind would live here. i can say this because i'm not in my right mind. ever. the area is a mix of classes and lifestyles, with a bit of entrepreneurial gusto butting heads with gentrification butting heads with starving artists butting heads with true bawlmoreans who've lived here for decades. we've also got our requisite city "toughs" who like to think that, as 16-19 year olds, they can own the neighborhood. that said, we have plenty of sweet neighbors and good friends who look out for each other. we have great little boutiques (re= Minas) that you won't find anywhere else and a coffee shop that plays U2 a lot. SCORE!

to get back to "the miracle," i'll give you a topic: there are numerous positives and negatives to this type of display culture, one of the latter being an escapist culture in which we try to avoid the real problems that plague our post-modern culture. discuss.

but seriously. i walked a friend down to "the miracle" last night, and she couldn't get over the spectacle of it all. enchanting? yes. for about a split second. then some enterprising (read "exploitive") folks started to approach the crowds, trying to sell those useless little neon glow plastic necklaces. on the corner, dudes had a big grill going, and they were selling a variety of meats. and the first thing i thought? "hmmm, i wonder if they're following the health code..." somebody else was selling sweatshirts that had ripped off the natty bo logo (that's right; whoever you are, i'm ratting you out) by slapping a santa hat on it. excuse me for being a bit scrooge-y, but... wtf? i lived on the 800 block of 34th three years ago, and i don't remember all the hucksters being out there then. sure, the 700 block was as tackily aglow then as it is now, and traffic still jammed the entire street because people were too lazy to park and get out and walk to see the display, but, it was quirky. it was innocent and fun. it was hampden, over-the-top and in all its glory. i loved it. and now? i am truly disappointed in human greed edging in on a neighborhood tradition. shame on them.

BUT. i am not, have not ever been, and will never be the type to let other people ruin my christmas. my philosophy is that while we can't ignore other people, we can usually CHOOSE how they affect us, and i WON'T let another person scuttle my holidays. so, you may find this surprising, but i've been to "the miracle" three times already this december. i've taken toby down there everytime, and everytime, we just kind of lose ourselves in the crowds. for one, this helps his behavior because he can't be so skittish. but two, i like hearing people converse and seeing families interact. somehow, i think the magic isn't really in the display, but the display starts the magic in the people. they stream past the herds of reindeer that carry clone santas past the legions of babies Jesus. they hear the gregorian chants float over the replicated who village and its cardboard grinch. they laugh and ooh and ahh, and they're there with friends and family. on the one hand, we can by reflex be repulsed by the overly material display, or (and i think this is the more enlightened path) we can choose to see how the miracle coaxes people to be with others and to somehow let go of everyday ridiculousness and to comment on what's going on around christmas.

that is why hampden is so great.

with the requisite nod to MTV

we need CELEBRITY FOOD DEATH MATCH!!! for the moment, let's leave out the celebrities. first, there has to be the national match-ups. let me pick on chris for a minute and nominate raleigh's glorified bbq. now for anyone not privileged enough to be from NC, bbq does NOT mean "saturated with red stuff." it means "saturated with clear stuff." duh. and, since we're starting with meat, let's be fair and do meat-on-meat. so, let's grab the ultra-famous philly cheesesteak. DUN DUN DUN!!!! it HAS to be a real cheesesteak, from philly, not from those crap joints in suburban maryland called "philly cheesesteaks." really. i've seen them. so we've got two big guns, each of whom could kill its respective consumer with rapid-firing saturated fats. ultimately, the philly cheesesteak KOs the bbq, on the grounds that, while i like the latter, a)i like the former better and b)the latter comes with hush puppies. barf.

every super bowl, my mom makes a dish from the two cities. sadly, we won't be have cheesesteaks two years in a row. sniff sniff :( THAT'S GENUINE SADNESS, OKAY?! anyway, she's made new england clam chowder (*note--i've always hated clam chowder, but now i have even more reason to do so; damn patriots), crab cakes (it'll be a long time before she makes them again, thank you, kyle boller) and italian sausage soup (you suck, giants). anyway, with the winter olympics coming up (we'll give the token nod, even though it's not nearly as exciting as the summer olympics; sorry, jenna), i propose a similar set-up. predictions, anyone?


*so that chris doesn't get nuts, i have to say that i really do like NC bbq. i just have to be true to my roots though. the NORTH wins again! :)

he may kill me for putting this up here, but too bad.
i love this picture.


:)

it's cold.

so i may be a little bit of a wuss. i'm here in the office with tissues everywhere, a big cup of OJ, a bag bursting with ricola, and my long wool coat and knit scarf on. and i'm losing my voice. i guess i'm not a girl for the winter. i think Reznick needs to open an office in... say... Aruba? then i could sashay to work in one of my really cute minis and a pair of flip-flops, right? a girl can always dream...

i was watching 'project runway' last night. i know, i know. but don't you think that heidi klum is the most adorable girl ever? yes. yes she is. i also have a thing for stewie griffin. adorable in that pathological egomaniac kind of way.

here's a weird observation: i don't remember the last time that running was featured in a sitcom. they always do the backyard football or little league baseball or olympics at the company picnic. but what i'm saying is that there are a lot of hilarious moments with running... the ice cream mile at kehoe track? tornado touching down at the wake forest track? ben and steele in drag? wait, no, they were just drunk of their asses... but still. just get together with ANY long distance team. it's a smash hit sitcom waiting to happen. take my word for it. please.

and in the meantime, i'll jog around in my cube and warm up. put that on tv.

what's the word, bill riley?

bill riley is the big man here at reznick group/baltimore. i met the guy once, when i was touring the building on my first day. seems like a nice person. anyway, i was thinking about him and all of the other principals, and it occurred to me that they have invested years of their lives in this business. do i have something like that? is there a job/cause/movement/hobby(?) that i could put years into? the only thing that i can think of so far is my schooling. whee. yeeha. but, it isn't until education becomes a choice, post-16-years-old, that i think of it as something i can count as an accomplishment, time-wise. so, that said, i've invested...seven years? i guess i want to find something, you know?

running. 15 years. excellent. time off here and there, but it's been a major part of my life since i was 11. so what does that make me? crazy, some say, especially since i've done the marathon. and i would have to agree.

school. "only" 2 years, but crazy amounts of blood, sweat, and tears went into that master's. heavy on the tears. quantitatively, it's given me two years of extra stress and $20K of school loans with no extra leg up on the job market. but let's not look at that side. it's not the most important. someday, it will be a stepping stone for a PhD. today, i look at it and see that what i did is not something that everybody can do. it was also something i loved. who gets to watch Indiana Jones movies and write about it for a grade?! who gets to sit around with their peers for hours and hours, going on about the present-day implications of whether or not people are allowed to read in their native language? i miss that. and i have always believed that things happen for a reason. my masters was a time of upheaval and rebuilding. to be honest, i loved derek, but it was good that we broke up. it was good that i had to struggle with life for a while. it was good that i allowed myself to be open to other people again, to allow myself to trust and be vulnerable. it was good that i soon wanted to get out on my own; i'd been very timid before and hadn't much followed my own path, at least not with a lot of confidence. and so i graduated, tears behind me, having flushed out my self-imposed toxicity.

that is a good return on an investment.

good work, jo

yooooga yooooga yooooga yooooga

did that instead of running today. my hip joints were grinding this morning. i swear i'm not 8o. but still. anyway, i'm just giving myself time to chill and get back into things. that means i'll run tomorrow AM. HAHAHAHAHA. no, maybe i really will. we'll see.

*awesome*

i feel a lot better. i got out for a run, after a looooong hiatus. bad knee and then BUSY BUSY BUSY, but i decided to stop copping out. i hate excuses, so i just pushed my ass out the door for a short time out. 32 minutes, the JHU loop, with just a little added, and then 200 crunches and 45 push-ups. i wasn't as cold as i thought i'd be, so that was nice. i'd still like to get some better cold weather running gear, but i'll make do for now. (medium tops and bottoms, if anybody's wondering)

i also need to attend to my eating habits a little better, so i think i'm going to try to heed the concepts of the "no diet" diet. i've done it before but just fell out of habit. basically, i just listen and feel very closely, eat when i'm hungry and stop when i'm not. it's so much better, and it helps me to realize how mental eating can really be. we eat out of anxiety, the idea that it's a comfort issue and afraid that it won't be there if we won't eat it now. you know what i mean.

steve griblle gave a good sermon today, and it made me think about how i need to be focusing on the joy of Christ's love for us. he noted that a lot of times when we're having a rough go of things (specific incidents aside), it's often because we're not mindful of the depths that God moves for us. and as i was running, i was considering my future, and i decided that i need to wait on the phd. it's just not time yet. i can go back eventually. or maybe i won't go back at all. but anyway, i want to try some other things before that, and it's better stewardship of my finances as well. i'm comfortable with this, although i know there will be times when i miss it. i do think that i will try to get back into some sort of teaching. that is where i belong. just not at a college right now. i'm okay with that.

peace.

insomniac

tomorrow's going to feel like hell. and by tomorrow, i mean sunday AND monday. i don't know what's going on here. i have a lot of things on my mind, not the least of which being my desire for a stability ball. i could sit on one of these things for hours. i like how my butt makes the ball roll around. i feel like i'm six again. awesome.

so here's a question: should i at all and how soon should i go back for a phd? here are the reasons against--i was so totally burned out from just getting a masters. because of bipolar disorder, things were much harder, and i went through hell just finishing ONE paper. would i be able to handle a much bigger work load, orals and a dissertation, much less the necessary extra stuff that would build a good, solid CV? reason #2--finances would suck AGAIN, and i'm already hating my current student loan situation. i seriously dislike the indentured servitude that is the grad life, and i'd like to be able to be self-sufficient without starving. reasons FOR--i miss it. i miss the classroom, i miss the level of literature, i miss the intellectual engagement, and i miss that being my sole focus. i felt like i would eventually make a difference in somebody's life. ultimately, i want to be teaching literature at the college level. i'm just not ready to go back quite yet...

other stuff--personal doubts are rough, and when i get manic, i can be extremely restless. i think that's a problem for me right now. i'm having a lot of trouble focusing and sitting still, literally and figuratively. maybe that's why i like the stability ball--it's both bouncy and relaxing. whatever. anyway, i get restless in relationships too, through no fault of the other person, and it can be abundantly confusing to both parties. my track record is to stick with things, though, although with some people, that has been a bad idea. so, thanks to that, sometimes i don't have a lot of confidence in my decision-making. chris told me tonight (this morning?) to just say "the hell with it" and just go with what i feel. that's so tough... i prayed for a long time tonight, asking God for guidance. He always comes through, sometimes in the weirdest ways. it's funny though, because i know when it's Him. i believe that i'm meant to be employed in some sort of educative capactiy. i see signs in all the time, in a whole bunch of different places. it's just a matter of moving on it, acting on faith. am i good at that? sort of, i guess.

well, i should try to put myself to bed. sing myself to sleep, maybe. daydream of fairytales until i actually start dreaming. night, everybody. count yourself some sheep for me.

trauma, boots and boogers

this past week was a little rough. grandpa passed out again, and he was put in the hospital. finally, he had to be sent to continuing nursing care, which is the name that most people give to a nursing home these days. the good thing is that it's more about rehabilitation now than permanent residence. the hope is that he'll get his strength back and be able to move into assisted living with grandma. it's been hard because it's really becoming evident that grandpa, while able to rebound, won't be able to be at his former strength. he just turned 87, and i find that i want him to be here forever. i'm not an idiot. but it's just really hard for me to give in, you know? all of my grandparents have been very influential on me, and i'm just SO used to them being here. we're all very, very close. how fortunate is that? he's such a blessing to me.

the day and visit didn't end on bad notes though. my nephews and niece are such bright lights in the family, and i learned that benicio, my younger nephew, has a brand new fascination: boogers. he's intrigued by the slimy texture that goops from his nose, and he went on several digging expeditions today.








the whole beatty clan was at our house today, and we got a great photo of my grandma w/ her grandkids and great-grandkids.

going clockwise, that's kristin holding manny, grandmom, jenna holding benici, maria, geoff holding clara, and me. it was a long day for my brother--that's why he looks like he's dozing. i also realized too late that i was channeling jay (jay & silent bob) with the hat and stick-straight hair...



one gripe that i had about today; my niece is more of a fashion plate than me. of course, it doesn't hurt that she has legions of doting relatives to buy her outfits and accessories... when did i lose that opportunity?


check the boots. are they not The Cutest Things You Have Ever Seen?! how not-fair is that? if you're pulling your hair out trying to figure out a gift for me, here's a hint: size 8 boots or shoes. i'm a sucker for red shoes...



so, the moral of today's story is: we can't be here forever, but we can cherish the even the gross, slimy little things that come from us, and our nieces will always be able to better accessorize than we can.

happy holidays, everybody!

lunchtime at reznick

so i have a new job. awesome. i'm a word processor at Reznick Group, a CPA firm in downtown baltimore. it's pretty sweet. everybody in the wp dept. is really nice, and they've helped me out as i fumble my way through my first month. i can't believe that it's been a month almost. have i really been away from c2 for so long? fabulous. essentially, my job consists of formatting and preparing financial documents for distribution to clients. it's nice because it's something different, and i'm learning about a whole new field. while i'm working, i can also have mental space for other things, and that's refreshing too. is this what it's like to actually have a job you enjoy? pinch me! :)

other important thing--it's Christmas season! woo! i'm actually on pace for everything, and i'm excited about the things i have lined up for my friends and family. i hate the commercial that says "better gift, better reaction." what jerks. my emphasis is not so much on the actual material thing i'm giving but more on the fact that i have to attend to that person and his or her ways at this time. does that make sense? it provokes me to be more considerate, to listen better, to be more generous toward their needs and spirit. that's what i try to take with me and improve every year.

chris and i have interesting discussions regarding Christmas. for him, it's become far too hackneyed, and it disturbs him how people get so over-the-top with decorations and displays. if i understand him correctly, he dislikes the hoopla for hoopla's sake because it destroys the solemnity of what's actually at the heart of a true Christmas. i would have to agree with that, in large part because what is a celebration of Christ's coming has been appropriated for money-making purposes. even the notion that we should focus on "what's really important" has been overdone and commercialized. "Christmas with the Kranks," anyone? i would say that our biggest point of disagreement, however, is over personal experience. for me, parades and lights and songs are not equally despicable. there are times for silliness and regression to childhood playfulness and innocence, and that doesn't necessarily dilute the truth in Christmas. after all, let the little children come to Him? we have to be like children in order to enter the kingdom of God? right? it makes me wonder.

my grandpa is in the ICU right now. i hope that he's able to be home by Christmas. well, "home" could mean almost anyplace at this point. he and grandma aren't going to be able to live in the townhouse anymore, and as it stands, he'll have to be in continuing nursing care for awhile. i hope that he recovers enough to be in assisted living with grandma. my mom sees what's happening as a positive change--he and grandma were struggling lately to get around the townhouse and keep up and everything, and now it's an utmost necessity to change to something easier. i agree with that, but for me it's very hard. it's one step closer, you know? i'm so used to grandma and grandpa being around, so much so that it's easy to forget that she's 86 and he's 87. i haven't spent enough time with grandpa. we've never really talked, just us. but then again, that's not his way. we have a good time just hanging out. and how lucky am i to have him for that? get better, grandpa. that's an order.

congratulations, greg & lee ann!

i adore greg. he is one of my most favorite people. and today, in a beautiful ceremony, he married lee ann. LET'S ALL BE SO HAPPY FOR THEM!!! :) i'd never met lee ann before, but the way that he looked at her--well, we could all tell that she has made him a whole man. she's the kind of girl that you wish for your best friend, you know? and greg... well, he's a sweetheart all on his own. so, this looks to be a perfect match, and i wish them the best for the years and years to come!


greg & i met in 1999, working for the YMCA SACC program. we were both track athletes, and even though he competed for Penn State, i still loved him. ;)


-->please be aware of my vociferous hatred of all things Nittany Lion... except for greg. :)

-->oh, and doesn't he bear a stirring resemblance to joshua jackson? it's uncanny!






they make each other so happy!

flower girl ashton (i think) and ring bearer griffin


-->CUUUUUUUTE!!!

melissa is such a cool chick. she was our boss for SACC, and she also coached greg during his prep track career. her husband brian is a fantastic soccer player and an all-around stand-up guy. and, oh, did we mention that griffin is cuuuuuuuuuuuuute?!!

all in all, it was a lovely november day, perfect for "i do's" and dinner and dancing. and i can't say that i've been happier for a friend than i am for greg. here's to greg and lee ann, and to the rest of us--> let's hope we're all as blessed in love as they are.

contemplating the carpet

i'm on the floor as i write this. sometimes i wish that we could all eschew ridiculous adult rigidity and enjoy pillows and shag rugs and homemade quilts. there's something about lowering our bodies in the company of others though. nobody wants the low position. how silly.

anyway, today's run was rough. for once, i didn't push it, but i felt weighed down the whole time. i'm struggling with my disease, and today is proving especially difficult. i just can't make any big decisions today. things will have to wait until tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. but back to the run. i went up hickory to Rite Aid to drop of the prescription, then i did an out & back on roland for ~25 min, after which i picked up my meds and ran home. all told, it was 40 min, roughly 4.5 miles. my knees just didn't want to go, and i felt like throwing up on the last small leg. most days, i don't force myself, but i today i knew that if i didn't do it, if i didn't accomplish even something little, i would feel far worse later.

i'll have to have that same attitude for the rest of today. i have a list: read the rest of disgrace, call cecilia, call 4Eyes, return books to the library, walk toby, run, clean the kitchen and get the Rx. so far, i've read, made my calls, ran and picked up the Rx, so i only have 3 things left. i don't really want to go out tonight, but we'll see how chris feels. it might be the thing that i need. fuck bipolar.

beatty halloween!

so halloween was pretty big this year, both in baltimore and in philadelphia. i was in philly on saturday and sunday meeting my baby niece, and she, her brothers, geoff & mia and i went to a little hween party together. it was great. there aren't pictures of me or mia in here, but the rest are fun.





bluebird and lionbear before the halloween party...
lionbear is not amused.













manny makes an excellent bluebird!


















benice flashes ten for his fantastic, if hybrid, ensemble.






















lionbear with his pet monkey














three fathers and their respective vegetables: brighton is a tomato, zadie is a carrot, and clara is a pea. geoff, by the way, passes as a ripped lance armstrong. his lady mia/sheryl crow is taking pictures.









post-halloween, clara and i got acquainted in no time at all. i'm lucky to have such a sweet little niece, and i can't wait to spend as much time with her as possible!