palpable darkness

tom gave a sermon on clinical depression today, based on 1 Samuel 16:14-23. that was tough. hearing one's lifetime illness described in gritty detail can rip through the chest. and yet, i have to thank him for it. it's the first time i've heard depression discussed in church, raised as a theme and something that *needs* to be out in the open. and it does. mental illness is so often trivialized or, worse yet, not even acknowledged as valid or true or existent. it was hard also because we sang two pieces right after the sermon, and i had to keep it together before the congregation. i don't think i did that so well, but maybe that spoke to the congregation in some way. do you think they could tell that i was affected by the sermon? do you think they could then infer that this is a demon i contend with now and will contend with for the rest of my life? a thing i haven't mentioned--tom entitled his sermon "getting out of bed in the morning and other acts of courage" (italics mine). it took me a very long time to consider that kind of thing to be true. it is a brave thing to face the outside world when everything inside is so violent and yet somehow dead.

it's remarkable, really. there are such unquantifiable depths to the human spirit, and, queerly, they allows me to taste this nectarous grace that is so succulently healing. i don't know that many people able to know it in the way that i do. i struggle many times to believe in even the basic truths of God, and i grasp at straws and attempt to weave my own safety nets, granting myself pleasures that i think will slake my burning thirst for any sort of redemption. and so what is left me? those nets are but constructions that serve for a time but yet become old and brittle and eventually force me to admit the fragility of my being. and then my head is lifted, my lips are parted, and a sliver of water is slipped into my mouth. i am awakened and raised to my feet and given my own power to live. that is that grace for which i am so grateful. the Bible says that God has many names, too numerous to know, and that by which i name Him the most is the Lord, the Giver of Life.

that's all i know how to say.