what is this love
that i leave behind
how can i turn
from the tears in your eyes
what is this world
where we always pretend
that it is worth it
worth it in the end
what is this life we share
that i just throw away
is this love
that causes so much pain
what is the promise
that i leave behind
why can't i
just lie beside you again
what's goin' on
how'd it get so wrong
what is this dream
that i'll never find
what is this prayer
that's stealing my mind
what is this deal
that i've just made with fate
and i wonder
if i have left it too late
blue rodeo
2.28.2006
heroine with a thousand faces
i just finished reading the art of teaching by jay parini. it wasn't what i expected. when i was reading the summary online, i thought, "hey, this will be great; it'll offer practical teaching advice, remind me of what it's like to be imparting knowledge, and hopefully light the flame under me, get me closer to this career." and, as you're probably expecting, i was wrong. parini doesn't even mention the "nitty gritty," as he calls it, until the end of the book. while that section does include some very useful ideas, the preceding sections were much more thought-provoking for me. perhaps the biggest theme in parini's memoir is that of the classroom as a theatre and the teacher as an actor/actress, and at one point, he talks about the prevailing notion that it's fraudulent to wear a mask in front of your students. he goes on to engage that idea, countering it with his view that we are comprised of numerous selves. it is not the self versus the anti-self, but it is rather the self plus the self plus the self...ad infinitum.
his perspective penetrated me more easily and deeply than i expected, due to its relevance to my life in general. indeed, his entire book calls for the journey toward self-awareness, and that only by constantly examining can we direct others to search for truth as well. and his text led me to the idea of the self as opposed to the selves. lately, i've vigorously struggled with the questions of identity, purpose, intention and time. my mother and i spoke at length on sunday about these, and she seemed puzzled; why did i need to answer everything right now? why wasn't i content with what i had in life, and why did i have to plan everything at once? and while i understood her logic and knew that i had to learn some patience, i didn't end the evening by contemplating other possibilities. what parini's notion allows for is multiple paths. he discusses his poetry, his teaching and his various other projects, and he alludes to close relationships with many, many people. and so there's no reason why i can't allow all of my selves to peacefully coexist. i am simultaneously the teacher, the writer, the hardworker, the hot girl in the tight jeans and frayed tee, the runner, the Christian, the intense lover, and the fighter. this idea of combination also minimizes that which i'd been amplifying to a deafening degree; it's not so big and unmanageable anymore. i can do it.
i look forward to days with electric combinations, and i'll relish the evenings with sedate pairs or threes. ultimately, we are who we allow ourselves to be, and i am finding a peace in the coexistance of my personal components.
his perspective penetrated me more easily and deeply than i expected, due to its relevance to my life in general. indeed, his entire book calls for the journey toward self-awareness, and that only by constantly examining can we direct others to search for truth as well. and his text led me to the idea of the self as opposed to the selves. lately, i've vigorously struggled with the questions of identity, purpose, intention and time. my mother and i spoke at length on sunday about these, and she seemed puzzled; why did i need to answer everything right now? why wasn't i content with what i had in life, and why did i have to plan everything at once? and while i understood her logic and knew that i had to learn some patience, i didn't end the evening by contemplating other possibilities. what parini's notion allows for is multiple paths. he discusses his poetry, his teaching and his various other projects, and he alludes to close relationships with many, many people. and so there's no reason why i can't allow all of my selves to peacefully coexist. i am simultaneously the teacher, the writer, the hardworker, the hot girl in the tight jeans and frayed tee, the runner, the Christian, the intense lover, and the fighter. this idea of combination also minimizes that which i'd been amplifying to a deafening degree; it's not so big and unmanageable anymore. i can do it.
i look forward to days with electric combinations, and i'll relish the evenings with sedate pairs or threes. ultimately, we are who we allow ourselves to be, and i am finding a peace in the coexistance of my personal components.
2.20.2006
once again, i hijack kim's posts
i hope she doesn't mind...
i too have gym pet peeves. kim hits some of them on the head-yakking on the celly instead of working out (leave the damn thing in the locker!) and leaving half of your body weight in sweat form on the machines.
i have some other ones too, and a number of them stem from my freshman days at CCHS, when i was one of the few girls in the weight room.
1) for both sexes, stop trying to look pretty. the gym is not a pretty place. i get so annoyed by people who hog mirror space because they're more concerned about whether the fake eyelashes are sticking than if they're getting their lifting form right. do NOT reapply makeup in the gym, do NOT ogle yourself in the mirror so much that you're turned on, and do NOT wear such super skimpy clothes that do not function as workout wear and can really only be classified not as shorts but as rubber bands. get over yourself.
2) again, for both sexes, quit trying to hit on people. if somebody is really there to workout, she is not going to be impressed by you giving yourself a hernia when you try to power lift 20x your own bodyweight. instead, she's going to think you're a moron. if someone asks for a spot, it's not an excuse to stare at her chest while she's trying to max out on bench. i hate you.
3) by now you're probably calling me the Gym Nazi, but quit with the inane yakking. if you're done with your set, get your ass off the machine and let other people rotate in. if you're just sitting there between sets and running your mouth while somebody else could be using the machine, you're just a waste of space.
4) super pet peeve, related to facilities with indoor tracks. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IF YOU'RE NOT RUNNING AT A GOOD CLIP, STAY THE HELL OUT OF THE INSIDE LANE! i hate you. this goes for any track of any sort. if you're on a track, and you hear "track" or some similar vocalization indicating a runner catching up to and about to pass you, this means that you, the slower individual, need to move to the right and let the faster person have the inside lane. granted, this can be a new rule for non-tracksters, but it's really not hard to learn. and please. don't bitch if somebody asks you to move. faster always has right of way. think of it this way--the faster cars always have the inside lane. ALWAYS.
***and trust me--hardcore athletes/runners will not be so nice to you if you consistently ignore their shouts. when i was on my high school's track team, the female distance runners were doing 400s at race pace, and the other runners were doing other stuff. now, EVERYBODY on the team knew that people doing speed workouts automatically have the right of way, and if you didn't haul ass out of their way, then it was your fault (it's harder for the faster moving object to come to a stop or adjust trajectory--SIMPLE FREAKIN PHYSICS, you jabronis!!!). anyway, i was on my last lap, looking to come in under 80sec. and some of the asshole distance guys were basically parked in lane one. i yelled repeatedly to clear the lane, and while most of the guys moved, one jackass in particular just stood there with his arms folded. so i did what any woman in my position had to do.
i clocked him and literally ran him over so that i could get to the finish.
of course, he got wrapped around the axle about it and was screaming at me and wanted the coaches to punish me or whatever. coach boyer simply looked at him and said, "you were in the way. too bad."
so, the morals of the story are:
1) fashion is not the #1 priority in the gym,
2) sex happens outSIDE of the gym, so don't even think about talking to me,
3) shut up, focus on your workout and stop taking up space,
4) don't get in my way unless you want to eat track.
i too have gym pet peeves. kim hits some of them on the head-yakking on the celly instead of working out (leave the damn thing in the locker!) and leaving half of your body weight in sweat form on the machines.
i have some other ones too, and a number of them stem from my freshman days at CCHS, when i was one of the few girls in the weight room.
1) for both sexes, stop trying to look pretty. the gym is not a pretty place. i get so annoyed by people who hog mirror space because they're more concerned about whether the fake eyelashes are sticking than if they're getting their lifting form right. do NOT reapply makeup in the gym, do NOT ogle yourself in the mirror so much that you're turned on, and do NOT wear such super skimpy clothes that do not function as workout wear and can really only be classified not as shorts but as rubber bands. get over yourself.
2) again, for both sexes, quit trying to hit on people. if somebody is really there to workout, she is not going to be impressed by you giving yourself a hernia when you try to power lift 20x your own bodyweight. instead, she's going to think you're a moron. if someone asks for a spot, it's not an excuse to stare at her chest while she's trying to max out on bench. i hate you.
3) by now you're probably calling me the Gym Nazi, but quit with the inane yakking. if you're done with your set, get your ass off the machine and let other people rotate in. if you're just sitting there between sets and running your mouth while somebody else could be using the machine, you're just a waste of space.
4) super pet peeve, related to facilities with indoor tracks. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IF YOU'RE NOT RUNNING AT A GOOD CLIP, STAY THE HELL OUT OF THE INSIDE LANE! i hate you. this goes for any track of any sort. if you're on a track, and you hear "track" or some similar vocalization indicating a runner catching up to and about to pass you, this means that you, the slower individual, need to move to the right and let the faster person have the inside lane. granted, this can be a new rule for non-tracksters, but it's really not hard to learn. and please. don't bitch if somebody asks you to move. faster always has right of way. think of it this way--the faster cars always have the inside lane. ALWAYS.
***and trust me--hardcore athletes/runners will not be so nice to you if you consistently ignore their shouts. when i was on my high school's track team, the female distance runners were doing 400s at race pace, and the other runners were doing other stuff. now, EVERYBODY on the team knew that people doing speed workouts automatically have the right of way, and if you didn't haul ass out of their way, then it was your fault (it's harder for the faster moving object to come to a stop or adjust trajectory--SIMPLE FREAKIN PHYSICS, you jabronis!!!). anyway, i was on my last lap, looking to come in under 80sec. and some of the asshole distance guys were basically parked in lane one. i yelled repeatedly to clear the lane, and while most of the guys moved, one jackass in particular just stood there with his arms folded. so i did what any woman in my position had to do.
i clocked him and literally ran him over so that i could get to the finish.
of course, he got wrapped around the axle about it and was screaming at me and wanted the coaches to punish me or whatever. coach boyer simply looked at him and said, "you were in the way. too bad."
so, the morals of the story are:
1) fashion is not the #1 priority in the gym,
2) sex happens outSIDE of the gym, so don't even think about talking to me,
3) shut up, focus on your workout and stop taking up space,
4) don't get in my way unless you want to eat track.
2.17.2006
i like stealing surveys.
New Survey...
From Kim from Lisa.
SAD SECTION.
Ever really cried your heart out? Yes but emotions can be highly relative for me sometimes.
Ever cried yourself to sleep?: see above
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: yes
Ever cried over the opposite sex? that's a stupid question
Do you cry when you get an injury?: it depends on a few things--did i cause it (in that case, no, because i'm a dumb-ass, so i can't claim the privilege of crying) and how severe is it (does it bench me for an entire season and preclude me from doing my big races)
Do certain songs make you cry?: yes
HAPPY SECTION.
Are you a happy person?: i'm hopeful, but that doesn't always mean happy.
Do you wish you were happier: not really.
Can music make you happy?: depends on the song
LOVE SECTION.
How many times have you had your heart broken?: three times
Have you ever loved someone so much that you'd die for them?: yes. still do.
Has anyone besides your friends and family ever said 'i love you' to you?: yes.
HATE SECTION.
Who do you actually hate?: he knows who he is.
Ever made a hit list?: no, that's a puerile thing to do.
Have you ever been on a hit list?: i have no idea, but if i was and found out about it, i wouldn't care.
Are you a mean bully?: no.
Do you hate George Bush?: i only really hate one person, and it ain't W. as for W, he probably is a nice person. i just can't even comprehend how he justifies 99% of his administration's policies.
SELF ESTEEM SECTION.
Is your self-esteem extremely low?: no. i've overcome too much to let that happen.
Do you believe in yourself?: say it in a less cheesy way, and i'll say yes.
Do you wish you could be someone else?: no. i'm a knock-out.
LOOK AT ME.
What is your current hair color?: i'm a brunette
Whats your natural color?: brown with natural blond highlights
what is your eye color?: ocean blue
Current Piercings?: one hole in each ear
Straight Hair or Curly?: fine and straight
CURRENTLY WEARING.
What shirt are you wearing?: favorite geoffrey beene sweater, candy apple red
Shoes?: black boots
Necklace(s): none
THIS OR THAT.
Rock or rap: rock.
Coffee or Hot Cocoa: cafe mocha (kinda both. i win.)
Wild Night out or Romantic Night: romantic. duh.
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate.
Hummer or Sports Car: Sports car.
Bracelet or Necklace: bracelet.
History or Science: history.
Sleep in or Early to rise: sleep in!!
Beach or Boardwalk: beach
Hoodie or Tee Shirt: Tee Shirt.
Night or Day: Night
High School or college: College
California or Florida: california
Simple Plan or Good Charlotte: neither.
Love at first sight or Learn to Love: learning to love; it's far more interesting/entertaining, and i also think it's longer lasting.
HAVE YOU EVER.
Hugged someone?: yes.
Been on the phone until the sun came up?: yes
Put a song on repeat for more than an hour?: no.
Laughed so hard you peed in your pants?: no
Got in a fight with someone? not really.
THE LAST.
person you talked to in person?: tasha. she was telling me about the accident she was in this morning. she's okay, thank goodness!
person you talked to online?: dustin fisher, about random stuff. baltimore misses dustin.
person you talked to on the phone? my mom. i miss her.
drink?: Alcohol: almost two weeks ago, beer with my dad. Non alcoholic: coffee this morning
last time you had a shower?: last night before bed.
RANDOM.
Do you like surveys: yesh
Do you get along with your parents?: very much.
Are you old enough to vote?: yes
Do you have mental breakdowns? seriously? don't we know me by now? of course i do. but for me, they're real, and they suck, and i hate them.
Do you ever tell your parents you didn't feel good so you didn't have to go to school?: i stopped trying at a very early age because my mom was a teacher and could always tell when some kid (especially her own) was trying to BS her.
CURRENT.
Current Mood: moody.
Current music: bjork, "enjoy" (Post).
Current hair: pulled back
Current Annoyance: lack of sleep + chilly office
Current Longing: fuzzy blanket and Chris
Current Thing I Ought To Be Doing: nothing (no work in the queue)
Current favorite word (MY addition to this survey): queue. how many vowels are silent here? 75% of them. that's pretty inefficient and yet interesting. i could probably write queueueueueueueueueueueueue, and you'd say it the same way. go phonics!
From Kim from Lisa.
SAD SECTION.
Ever really cried your heart out? Yes but emotions can be highly relative for me sometimes.
Ever cried yourself to sleep?: see above
Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: yes
Ever cried over the opposite sex? that's a stupid question
Do you cry when you get an injury?: it depends on a few things--did i cause it (in that case, no, because i'm a dumb-ass, so i can't claim the privilege of crying) and how severe is it (does it bench me for an entire season and preclude me from doing my big races)
Do certain songs make you cry?: yes
HAPPY SECTION.
Are you a happy person?: i'm hopeful, but that doesn't always mean happy.
Do you wish you were happier: not really.
Can music make you happy?: depends on the song
LOVE SECTION.
How many times have you had your heart broken?: three times
Have you ever loved someone so much that you'd die for them?: yes. still do.
Has anyone besides your friends and family ever said 'i love you' to you?: yes.
HATE SECTION.
Who do you actually hate?: he knows who he is.
Ever made a hit list?: no, that's a puerile thing to do.
Have you ever been on a hit list?: i have no idea, but if i was and found out about it, i wouldn't care.
Are you a mean bully?: no.
Do you hate George Bush?: i only really hate one person, and it ain't W. as for W, he probably is a nice person. i just can't even comprehend how he justifies 99% of his administration's policies.
SELF ESTEEM SECTION.
Is your self-esteem extremely low?: no. i've overcome too much to let that happen.
Do you believe in yourself?: say it in a less cheesy way, and i'll say yes.
Do you wish you could be someone else?: no. i'm a knock-out.
LOOK AT ME.
What is your current hair color?: i'm a brunette
Whats your natural color?: brown with natural blond highlights
what is your eye color?: ocean blue
Current Piercings?: one hole in each ear
Straight Hair or Curly?: fine and straight
CURRENTLY WEARING.
What shirt are you wearing?: favorite geoffrey beene sweater, candy apple red
Shoes?: black boots
Necklace(s): none
THIS OR THAT.
Rock or rap: rock.
Coffee or Hot Cocoa: cafe mocha (kinda both. i win.)
Wild Night out or Romantic Night: romantic. duh.
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate.
Hummer or Sports Car: Sports car.
Bracelet or Necklace: bracelet.
History or Science: history.
Sleep in or Early to rise: sleep in!!
Beach or Boardwalk: beach
Hoodie or Tee Shirt: Tee Shirt.
Night or Day: Night
High School or college: College
California or Florida: california
Simple Plan or Good Charlotte: neither.
Love at first sight or Learn to Love: learning to love; it's far more interesting/entertaining, and i also think it's longer lasting.
HAVE YOU EVER.
Hugged someone?: yes.
Been on the phone until the sun came up?: yes
Put a song on repeat for more than an hour?: no.
Laughed so hard you peed in your pants?: no
Got in a fight with someone? not really.
THE LAST.
person you talked to in person?: tasha. she was telling me about the accident she was in this morning. she's okay, thank goodness!
person you talked to online?: dustin fisher, about random stuff. baltimore misses dustin.
person you talked to on the phone? my mom. i miss her.
drink?: Alcohol: almost two weeks ago, beer with my dad. Non alcoholic: coffee this morning
last time you had a shower?: last night before bed.
RANDOM.
Do you like surveys: yesh
Do you get along with your parents?: very much.
Are you old enough to vote?: yes
Do you have mental breakdowns? seriously? don't we know me by now? of course i do. but for me, they're real, and they suck, and i hate them.
Do you ever tell your parents you didn't feel good so you didn't have to go to school?: i stopped trying at a very early age because my mom was a teacher and could always tell when some kid (especially her own) was trying to BS her.
CURRENT.
Current Mood: moody.
Current music: bjork, "enjoy" (Post).
Current hair: pulled back
Current Annoyance: lack of sleep + chilly office
Current Longing: fuzzy blanket and Chris
Current Thing I Ought To Be Doing: nothing (no work in the queue)
Current favorite word (MY addition to this survey): queue. how many vowels are silent here? 75% of them. that's pretty inefficient and yet interesting. i could probably write queueueueueueueueueueueueue, and you'd say it the same way. go phonics!
2.16.2006
f* you, f* you, you're cool, f* you. i'm outta here.
or rather, THEY'RE outta here. and by they, i mean those crappy events that masquerade as sports at the summer and winter games. so, in hopes of doing us ALL a service, i am here to put up for discussion which events ought to be first disrespected and then summarily dismissed from the games. here are some suggestions.
summer olympics:
1) rhythmic anything. entirely too much subjectivity for the return. sorry.
2)yachting. this is nascar on water. granted, a very slooooooow and lacking the danger of sudden collision and resultant combustion kind of nascar, but still. the metaphor is there, and i refuse to allow anything nascar to taint my olympic enjoyment.
winter olympics:
1)ice dancing. i can make fun of this because my cousin does this competitively. anyway, this is far too close to ballroom dancing for my tastes, and its admittance as an event sets the precedent for its aforementioned relative to be included in the summer games.
2)skeleton. this event just doesn't seem to be especially brilliant. lie on a sled, and throw your body down an ice track headfirst, reaching in excess of 80mph, with nothing protecting your head except for an inch or two of some random nuclear helmet. i guess the convenience is, if you crash, you ARE the event.
oh come on. you were waiting for me to make a pun. especially a bad one.
you suck.
anyway, i would LOVE to have other submissions for events desperately crying for a ban. thanks! and in a future post, we'll discuss events that should be added. like fabulous ball.
long live fabulous ball.
summer olympics:
1) rhythmic anything. entirely too much subjectivity for the return. sorry.
2)yachting. this is nascar on water. granted, a very slooooooow and lacking the danger of sudden collision and resultant combustion kind of nascar, but still. the metaphor is there, and i refuse to allow anything nascar to taint my olympic enjoyment.
winter olympics:
1)ice dancing. i can make fun of this because my cousin does this competitively. anyway, this is far too close to ballroom dancing for my tastes, and its admittance as an event sets the precedent for its aforementioned relative to be included in the summer games.
2)skeleton. this event just doesn't seem to be especially brilliant. lie on a sled, and throw your body down an ice track headfirst, reaching in excess of 80mph, with nothing protecting your head except for an inch or two of some random nuclear helmet. i guess the convenience is, if you crash, you ARE the event.
oh come on. you were waiting for me to make a pun. especially a bad one.
you suck.
anyway, i would LOVE to have other submissions for events desperately crying for a ban. thanks! and in a future post, we'll discuss events that should be added. like fabulous ball.
long live fabulous ball.
2.15.2006
2.14.2006
random minutia
i'm listening to Cake... 'cuz i'm going the distance.
so i was telling kate tonight that chris can't make the swimshower show on friday because he has to attend the math conference at UMD. uncontrollable laughter ensued. on her part ONLY, chris, i SWEAR. sort of. no, but really, here's kate's vision of a math conference:
man in a white lab coat with a pocket protector stands next to similarly dressed colleague and says:
"so what do you think of 5s?"
everyone MUST read The Wacky Neighbor blog (thewackyneighbor.blogspot.com). please note the entry for a genuine valentine card as offered by our government.
so what happens to dick cheney now? and if, by a long shot, after a series of unfortunate events, he needs to be replaced as VEEP, who, oh who will the shrub choose as his new second? this question sparked spirited debate among the reznick's cubes today, as some predicted condi rice as the most likely candidate, while some were just hoping for a constitutional wormhole that would eliminate the need for a VEEP until the next election. i mean, wouldn't that be a good idea? then karl rove can get the recognition as puppet master that he truly deserves. i hate to see anybody go unsung...
so it's valentine's day. and apparently, in japan, women are strongly encouraged to buy chocolates and various and sundry items for the men, to include bosses and other platonic acquaintances, in their lives. yeahhhhhhhhhhh... not so much my bag. i think, if i got to wave the magic wand, that i would construct valentine's day as follows. first of all, no more Kay's jewelers commercials. a kiss does NOT begin with Kay. who the hell is Kay? i don't share well with other children, and i DON'T share my chris with Kay. i hate her. second, chocolate and peanut butter would automatically have zero calories while retaining all flavors and various other good qualities. so really, a kiss would begin with Ben & Jerry's peanut butter cup ice cream. last, i want an equal opportunity holiday. i think that's what most people hate about 2/14; even for folks who are happily one with themselves, calling friends/family/coworkers their valentines is somehow considered cheating.
wtf!
so my magic non-hallmark holiday will consist of a fun dinner out, or maybe chinese ordered in, drinking and playing trivia pursuit, and then getting existential for hours before passing out.
excellent.
so i was telling kate tonight that chris can't make the swimshower show on friday because he has to attend the math conference at UMD. uncontrollable laughter ensued. on her part ONLY, chris, i SWEAR. sort of. no, but really, here's kate's vision of a math conference:
man in a white lab coat with a pocket protector stands next to similarly dressed colleague and says:
"so what do you think of 5s?"
everyone MUST read The Wacky Neighbor blog (thewackyneighbor.blogspot.com). please note the entry for a genuine valentine card as offered by our government.
so what happens to dick cheney now? and if, by a long shot, after a series of unfortunate events, he needs to be replaced as VEEP, who, oh who will the shrub choose as his new second? this question sparked spirited debate among the reznick's cubes today, as some predicted condi rice as the most likely candidate, while some were just hoping for a constitutional wormhole that would eliminate the need for a VEEP until the next election. i mean, wouldn't that be a good idea? then karl rove can get the recognition as puppet master that he truly deserves. i hate to see anybody go unsung...
so it's valentine's day. and apparently, in japan, women are strongly encouraged to buy chocolates and various and sundry items for the men, to include bosses and other platonic acquaintances, in their lives. yeahhhhhhhhhhh... not so much my bag. i think, if i got to wave the magic wand, that i would construct valentine's day as follows. first of all, no more Kay's jewelers commercials. a kiss does NOT begin with Kay. who the hell is Kay? i don't share well with other children, and i DON'T share my chris with Kay. i hate her. second, chocolate and peanut butter would automatically have zero calories while retaining all flavors and various other good qualities. so really, a kiss would begin with Ben & Jerry's peanut butter cup ice cream. last, i want an equal opportunity holiday. i think that's what most people hate about 2/14; even for folks who are happily one with themselves, calling friends/family/coworkers their valentines is somehow considered cheating.
wtf!
so my magic non-hallmark holiday will consist of a fun dinner out, or maybe chinese ordered in, drinking and playing trivia pursuit, and then getting existential for hours before passing out.
excellent.
2.13.2006
ugh
so i finished my homework. i read an unquiet mind by kay jamison in two short, albeit rough, days. i say rough because, while kay's experience has gone to farther extremes, i could understand every iota of conflict and pain that she felt. i'm not sure that i "learned a lesson" or got "the moral of the story." trying to boil her memoir down to that would be insulting, i think. i don't even know what to take from it. as i was reading, some of my reactions were so visceral that i wanted to rip the book apart or throw it across the room, preferably (as awful as it sounds) at cecilia or dr. jamison herself. some parts made me want to throw up. others tore me up inside. still others so powerfully evoked particular memories that their accompanying blackness reappeared. one question i do have--how did she remember all of that? i try to think back on what i've been wrestling with for the past ten years, and i can only pinpoint a few specific events, probably no more than three. the rest, while identifiable, lack details and remain somewhat indistinct and elusive in the rear of my brain. it's as if they don't want to be caught.
i know that i'm not completely well. it seems that, in the past three months, so much has come roaring back, and it's taking me awhile to reconstruct a semblance of order. chris is being tough but loving, and i don't know if he realizes it, but he's helping me to reassemble a sense of perspective. i'm trying to remember what it's like to be confident and hopeful and balanced. i have all these pieces in my lap, and i'm not sure what to do with them.
i know that i'm not completely well. it seems that, in the past three months, so much has come roaring back, and it's taking me awhile to reconstruct a semblance of order. chris is being tough but loving, and i don't know if he realizes it, but he's helping me to reassemble a sense of perspective. i'm trying to remember what it's like to be confident and hopeful and balanced. i have all these pieces in my lap, and i'm not sure what to do with them.
2.09.2006
homework
i'm 26 and out of grad school, but i still have assigned reading. my therapist has asked me to read kay jamison's an unquiet mind. i love cecilia enough to trust her guidance, but as i open the book, a lava-esque anger is rising in my body. i've only read through the prologue, and i'm already angry. i can't explain my reaction, but i am on edge, and i haven't even gotten to page 9...
have you ever been to denmark?
http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-danes9feb09,0,2192905.story?coll=la-home-headlines
i find this to be really disturbing and unfortunate. if you've ever been to Denmark, you know how chill and cosmopolitan it can be, with the cities having a European feel but personalities that are very distinct from their southern counterparts. Danes have to have a sense of humor and patience, largely because they're tiny and in the dark for a good portion of the year. being so close to the arctic circle will do that to you. but anyway, when i was there, i felt very welcomed, and i loved the whole feel of the country. i'll have to post my denmark pictures at some point. and so i have to say that it's very sad that this (_fill in the blank with a positive word_) little place is suddenly caught up in this cultural and religious maelstrom. i've never completely considered europe to be insular in some respects, but perhaps this is betraying some of the remnants of xenophobia that has so torn that continent in centuries past. i think, more now than ever, self-satisfaction, superiority complexes and complacency are no longer traits that can be plastered solely on the forehead of the U.S. i'm not trying to malign europe as a whole, but for so long, one of the prevailing (or perhaps most broadcasted) feelings has been "those ugly americans." and now that glaring spotlight has shifted and is focused on a society increasingly uncomfortable with this type of exposure.
i can't exactly say what is precisely right and precisely wrong in this particularly case, except to say that i wouldn't have published the cartoons myself. as someone who holds some things sacred herself, i wouldn't want to be an instrument of offense to others, especially in that vein. with that said, i also do not appreciate threats and violence and chaotic behavior as a means of dealing with disrespect. certainly other significant figures of other religions have been lampooned, and yet you don't find the common response to be flag burning or embassy bombing. i want to express an important point though in saying that i don't believe that some arms of the media are helping the issue. the constant coverage of vehement reaction does nothing to help xenophobic tensions, and i have yet to see much light given to moderates who desire discussion and debate over death and destruction. i have to believe that there are muslims who are feeling caught in the middle, on the one hand rightfully insulted at the depiction of Muhammed and on the other hand hoping for a peaceful response and reconciliation.
sadly, i have a feeling that this tempest might explode the teapot.
i find this to be really disturbing and unfortunate. if you've ever been to Denmark, you know how chill and cosmopolitan it can be, with the cities having a European feel but personalities that are very distinct from their southern counterparts. Danes have to have a sense of humor and patience, largely because they're tiny and in the dark for a good portion of the year. being so close to the arctic circle will do that to you. but anyway, when i was there, i felt very welcomed, and i loved the whole feel of the country. i'll have to post my denmark pictures at some point. and so i have to say that it's very sad that this (_fill in the blank with a positive word_) little place is suddenly caught up in this cultural and religious maelstrom. i've never completely considered europe to be insular in some respects, but perhaps this is betraying some of the remnants of xenophobia that has so torn that continent in centuries past. i think, more now than ever, self-satisfaction, superiority complexes and complacency are no longer traits that can be plastered solely on the forehead of the U.S. i'm not trying to malign europe as a whole, but for so long, one of the prevailing (or perhaps most broadcasted) feelings has been "those ugly americans." and now that glaring spotlight has shifted and is focused on a society increasingly uncomfortable with this type of exposure.
i can't exactly say what is precisely right and precisely wrong in this particularly case, except to say that i wouldn't have published the cartoons myself. as someone who holds some things sacred herself, i wouldn't want to be an instrument of offense to others, especially in that vein. with that said, i also do not appreciate threats and violence and chaotic behavior as a means of dealing with disrespect. certainly other significant figures of other religions have been lampooned, and yet you don't find the common response to be flag burning or embassy bombing. i want to express an important point though in saying that i don't believe that some arms of the media are helping the issue. the constant coverage of vehement reaction does nothing to help xenophobic tensions, and i have yet to see much light given to moderates who desire discussion and debate over death and destruction. i have to believe that there are muslims who are feeling caught in the middle, on the one hand rightfully insulted at the depiction of Muhammed and on the other hand hoping for a peaceful response and reconciliation.
sadly, i have a feeling that this tempest might explode the teapot.
MY BOYS!!!!
ALBUM OF THE YEAR--How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
SONG OF THE YEAR--Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
BEST ROCK PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH A VOCAL (verbose, but still...)--Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
BEST ROCK SONG--City of Blinding Lights
BEST ROCK ALBUM--How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot!
www.u2.com
SONG OF THE YEAR--Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
BEST ROCK PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH A VOCAL (verbose, but still...)--Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
BEST ROCK SONG--City of Blinding Lights
BEST ROCK ALBUM--How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot!
www.u2.com
2.08.2006
69 questions ripped from Kim's blog
1. What are your initials?
JCB
2. Name someone with the same birthday as you:
ben smith, my preschool nemesis (but now somebody I care about deeply)
3. Last thing you ate?tortilla soup and caesar salad at ESPNZone.
4. For or against same sex marriage?Personally, I just want something that works out for people, whether it’s marriage or not. I also think it’s illegal to deny a same-sex couple the legal rights enjoyed by a heterosexual couple. But that’s just me.
5. Are you homophobic?Duh, no.
6. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday morning?
No. I’m either lounging with Chris or, hopefully, out running. More likely lounging with Chris.
7. Do you believe in God?
yah
8. How many U.S states have you been to?
Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Delaware, Ohio, Virginia, West Virginia, Indiana, Illinois, Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, Missouri, Texas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, South Dakota, Montana, Wyoming, Idaho, Washington, Oregon, California, Nevada, Utah, New Mexico, and Arizona. So that’s 36.
And Puerto Rico, but that’s a protectorate.
9. How many of the U.S states have you lived in?
Two
10. Have you ever lived outside the U.S?
No, but I would SO live in Denmark or Spain.
11. Name something you like physically about yourself:
My legs are strong and curvy, and apparently, I have perfect boobs. Go figure.
12. Something non-physical you like about yourself:
I’m pretty damn smart about some unexpected things.
14. Favorite Food?Steamed crabs15. Favorite day of the week?Friday
16. Biggest Crush at your school?
Not there anymore, but technically, it would be Chris, since I still haven’t officially graduated (not my fault), and he’s still there working on his PhD. Groovy.
17. Favorite holiday?
Memorial Day--because it’s SUMMER!!!!
18. Do you download music?
No.
19. How many illegal things have you done?
Not anything, really. I’m boring that way.
20. Where would you want to go on a first date:
Well I’d rather not go on another first date anytime soon, but date in general? I’d love to go to Copenhagen.
22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
Yes. At an IV retreat, I sprained my ankle really badly, and all the UMBC guys serenaded me with “You’ve Lost that Lovin Feelin.” There are pictures.
23. Have you ever cried for no reason?
Yes.
24. Do you like president Bush?
No.
25. Have you ever bungee jumped?
No. First, I want to climb a mountain.
26. Have you ever white-water rafted?
No.
27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
Not quite ten, but old enough.
28. Last person you hugged?
Chris, but I screwed it up and now we’re not happy.
29. Have you met a real redneck?
yeah. That’s why I live in the city.
30. How is the weather right now?
Dark and windy
31. What song are you listening to right now?
none, just the idle chatter of the office in the background
32. What is your current favorite song?
Nickel Creek--“When You Come Back Down”
33. What was the last movie you watched?
Narnia. Very good!!!
34. Do you wear contacts?
yes
35. Where was the last place you went besides your house?
ESPNZone for lunch. It was overpriced.
36. What are you afraid of?
losing my grandfather.
37. Have you ever hit someone?
Yes. I’m not proud of it.
38. Any pets?
Yes. Toby. And his roommate is Kate’s cat, Tigress. He loves Tigress, and she wants to shred his face.
39. Have you ever loved someone?
Yes.
0. What really turns you on?
Scene in Troy that starts out with priestess chick holding a knife to Achilles’ throat. YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT.
41. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Not really. I like my Common Grounds on the next block in Hampden.
42. Have you ever fired a gun?
No, but I am KICK-ASS at that japanese police game at Dave & Busters.
43. Are you missing someone?
Yes.
44. Say something totally random about yourself:
I am the only girl I know who has a love affair with helicopters.
45. Do you have an iPod?NO. :(
46. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
No, but when I was 8 (and Geoff was 11), a complete stranger stopped us in NYC and said we looked like fraternal twins. My brother was pissed.
47. Whats your mom's name?
Maggie
48. Who would you like to see right now?
my niece Clara
49. Are you comfortable with your height?
Yes.
50. Dogs or cats?
Dogs
51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?
um. Duh.
52. Favorite flower?
gerber daisy
53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn?
none of the above. Instead, caramel
54. What books are you reading?
_Survival in Auschwitz_ by Primo Levi
55. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yes.
56. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
my grandma hixson, almost 3 years ago
57. Do you watch MTV?
not so much. I’ve kind of grown out of it.
58. What's something that really annoys you?
whiny girls
59. What are some things you really like?
Running, lifting, football and soccer (watching and playing), photography, travel, reading, music
61. Have u ever talked to your parents drunk and they didn't notice?
I don’t remember.
62. Favorite basketball team?
I am so pissed at the Terps right now that I could spit. But I am loyal though.
63. Favorite breakfast food?
Pancakes
64. Do you drive?
Wrong question: do I drive well? *Jury’s out...*
65. What's the latest you have ever stayed out? or earliest you got in?
I've stayed out all night.
66. Last time you went bowling?
This past summer. I had a high score of 99.
67. Were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
Yes. Twice. That I can remember.
68. Last time you were at work?
Today.
69. Whats your favorite state to live in?
Bliss.
p.s.- there are three questions missing--care to fill them in?
JCB
2. Name someone with the same birthday as you:
ben smith, my preschool nemesis (but now somebody I care about deeply)
3. Last thing you ate?tortilla soup and caesar salad at ESPNZone.
4. For or against same sex marriage?Personally, I just want something that works out for people, whether it’s marriage or not. I also think it’s illegal to deny a same-sex couple the legal rights enjoyed by a heterosexual couple. But that’s just me.
5. Are you homophobic?Duh, no.
6. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday morning?
No. I’m either lounging with Chris or, hopefully, out running. More likely lounging with Chris.
7. Do you believe in God?
yah
8. How many U.S states have you been to?
Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Delaware, Ohio, Virginia, West Virginia, Indiana, Illinois, Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, Missouri, Texas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, South Dakota, Montana, Wyoming, Idaho, Washington, Oregon, California, Nevada, Utah, New Mexico, and Arizona. So that’s 36.
And Puerto Rico, but that’s a protectorate.
9. How many of the U.S states have you lived in?
Two
10. Have you ever lived outside the U.S?
No, but I would SO live in Denmark or Spain.
11. Name something you like physically about yourself:
My legs are strong and curvy, and apparently, I have perfect boobs. Go figure.
12. Something non-physical you like about yourself:
I’m pretty damn smart about some unexpected things.
14. Favorite Food?Steamed crabs15. Favorite day of the week?Friday
16. Biggest Crush at your school?
Not there anymore, but technically, it would be Chris, since I still haven’t officially graduated (not my fault), and he’s still there working on his PhD. Groovy.
17. Favorite holiday?
Memorial Day--because it’s SUMMER!!!!
18. Do you download music?
No.
19. How many illegal things have you done?
Not anything, really. I’m boring that way.
20. Where would you want to go on a first date:
Well I’d rather not go on another first date anytime soon, but date in general? I’d love to go to Copenhagen.
22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
Yes. At an IV retreat, I sprained my ankle really badly, and all the UMBC guys serenaded me with “You’ve Lost that Lovin Feelin.” There are pictures.
23. Have you ever cried for no reason?
Yes.
24. Do you like president Bush?
No.
25. Have you ever bungee jumped?
No. First, I want to climb a mountain.
26. Have you ever white-water rafted?
No.
27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
Not quite ten, but old enough.
28. Last person you hugged?
Chris, but I screwed it up and now we’re not happy.
29. Have you met a real redneck?
yeah. That’s why I live in the city.
30. How is the weather right now?
Dark and windy
31. What song are you listening to right now?
none, just the idle chatter of the office in the background
32. What is your current favorite song?
Nickel Creek--“When You Come Back Down”
33. What was the last movie you watched?
Narnia. Very good!!!
34. Do you wear contacts?
yes
35. Where was the last place you went besides your house?
ESPNZone for lunch. It was overpriced.
36. What are you afraid of?
losing my grandfather.
37. Have you ever hit someone?
Yes. I’m not proud of it.
38. Any pets?
Yes. Toby. And his roommate is Kate’s cat, Tigress. He loves Tigress, and she wants to shred his face.
39. Have you ever loved someone?
Yes.
0. What really turns you on?
Scene in Troy that starts out with priestess chick holding a knife to Achilles’ throat. YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT.
41. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Not really. I like my Common Grounds on the next block in Hampden.
42. Have you ever fired a gun?
No, but I am KICK-ASS at that japanese police game at Dave & Busters.
43. Are you missing someone?
Yes.
44. Say something totally random about yourself:
I am the only girl I know who has a love affair with helicopters.
45. Do you have an iPod?NO. :(
46. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
No, but when I was 8 (and Geoff was 11), a complete stranger stopped us in NYC and said we looked like fraternal twins. My brother was pissed.
47. Whats your mom's name?
Maggie
48. Who would you like to see right now?
my niece Clara
49. Are you comfortable with your height?
Yes.
50. Dogs or cats?
Dogs
51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?
um. Duh.
52. Favorite flower?
gerber daisy
53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn?
none of the above. Instead, caramel
54. What books are you reading?
_Survival in Auschwitz_ by Primo Levi
55. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yes.
56. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
my grandma hixson, almost 3 years ago
57. Do you watch MTV?
not so much. I’ve kind of grown out of it.
58. What's something that really annoys you?
whiny girls
59. What are some things you really like?
Running, lifting, football and soccer (watching and playing), photography, travel, reading, music
61. Have u ever talked to your parents drunk and they didn't notice?
I don’t remember.
62. Favorite basketball team?
I am so pissed at the Terps right now that I could spit. But I am loyal though.
63. Favorite breakfast food?
Pancakes
64. Do you drive?
Wrong question: do I drive well? *Jury’s out...*
65. What's the latest you have ever stayed out? or earliest you got in?
I've stayed out all night.
66. Last time you went bowling?
This past summer. I had a high score of 99.
67. Were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
Yes. Twice. That I can remember.
68. Last time you were at work?
Today.
69. Whats your favorite state to live in?
Bliss.
p.s.- there are three questions missing--care to fill them in?
FOOTBALL!!!
so i've been invited to be a mad woman this spring. kate has asked me to join her team for the BSSC 2006 spring football season.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!
i'm so excited. i've already decided that i'm going to try to get an extra t-shirt because, unbeknownst to my new teammates, toby is going to be our new mascot. at the moment, we're mulling over possible team names. there are a few that make this blogger blush, but here are some of the others:
1) Chuck Norris & Co.
2) Burt Reynolds 4 Life!!!
3) The Never Was
4) Jabronis
5) Steelers Suck
6) Hurricane Ditka
i'm partial to #s 1 & 4. anybody have any ideas?
and just wait. my football skillz are a little rusty, but when i get back into it...
the only thing i'm not terribly fond of is the gender issue. it's a co-ed league, so they're trying to be fair and require that guys pay attention to and include the girls. for as many nice guys out there who happily do that anyway, there are three times as many jicks who think that boobs preclude athletic ability. and yes, i said jicks. you can thank steve for that one. anyway, while i am completely glad that the league is stomping out gender discrimination one drunken football game at a time, it kind of irks me. i guess it's because i'm used to playing with boys. growing up, there WERE no girls or co-ed soccer leagues in my area. i had to jump in on a boys' team. so to get any playing time, i had to be as skilled, as fast, and as fearless as my teammates. so mud, grime and bodychecks don't really bother me. they're a part of sports, in my mind. and so is the idea that, if you want to play, than you need to step up and be noticed for your own skills and not because of bylaw 3.A, section 7, paragraph 2D.
one of my greatest moments in sports came in high school. i was the only girl signed up for flag football, and the guys on my team were really accepting and helped me learn a thing or two. we were up for a championship, playing defense, and the center and QB laughed that i was on the line. the ball was snapped, and before the QB even realized what'd happened, i'd slipped by his line and sacked him. they were pissed but figured it was a fluke. switch to us playing offense. QB put the ball in my hands and i took off, since nobody figured that i needed to be covered. then i caught a long bomb and took it in for a TD. needless to say, we won. AND DAMMIT, THE OTHER TEAM WAS BEATEN BY A GIRL. POO. sissies.
i guess when it comes down to it, there are times when there doesn't need to be pre-game field leveling. i would much rather get playing-time on my own merits than be out on the field by default, because of a rule that says my team forfeits if enough girls aren't playing. BUT, i'm going to bite my tongue and just enjoy being out there.
and those QBs better look out because... jeremiah trotter and brian urlacher got nothin on me.
;)
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!
i'm so excited. i've already decided that i'm going to try to get an extra t-shirt because, unbeknownst to my new teammates, toby is going to be our new mascot. at the moment, we're mulling over possible team names. there are a few that make this blogger blush, but here are some of the others:
1) Chuck Norris & Co.
2) Burt Reynolds 4 Life!!!
3) The Never Was
4) Jabronis
5) Steelers Suck
6) Hurricane Ditka
i'm partial to #s 1 & 4. anybody have any ideas?
and just wait. my football skillz are a little rusty, but when i get back into it...
the only thing i'm not terribly fond of is the gender issue. it's a co-ed league, so they're trying to be fair and require that guys pay attention to and include the girls. for as many nice guys out there who happily do that anyway, there are three times as many jicks who think that boobs preclude athletic ability. and yes, i said jicks. you can thank steve for that one. anyway, while i am completely glad that the league is stomping out gender discrimination one drunken football game at a time, it kind of irks me. i guess it's because i'm used to playing with boys. growing up, there WERE no girls or co-ed soccer leagues in my area. i had to jump in on a boys' team. so to get any playing time, i had to be as skilled, as fast, and as fearless as my teammates. so mud, grime and bodychecks don't really bother me. they're a part of sports, in my mind. and so is the idea that, if you want to play, than you need to step up and be noticed for your own skills and not because of bylaw 3.A, section 7, paragraph 2D.
one of my greatest moments in sports came in high school. i was the only girl signed up for flag football, and the guys on my team were really accepting and helped me learn a thing or two. we were up for a championship, playing defense, and the center and QB laughed that i was on the line. the ball was snapped, and before the QB even realized what'd happened, i'd slipped by his line and sacked him. they were pissed but figured it was a fluke. switch to us playing offense. QB put the ball in my hands and i took off, since nobody figured that i needed to be covered. then i caught a long bomb and took it in for a TD. needless to say, we won. AND DAMMIT, THE OTHER TEAM WAS BEATEN BY A GIRL. POO. sissies.
i guess when it comes down to it, there are times when there doesn't need to be pre-game field leveling. i would much rather get playing-time on my own merits than be out on the field by default, because of a rule that says my team forfeits if enough girls aren't playing. BUT, i'm going to bite my tongue and just enjoy being out there.
and those QBs better look out because... jeremiah trotter and brian urlacher got nothin on me.
;)
joannahood
i just got the birth announcement for my niece. she's four months old. in the accompanying picture, she's all squinty, as if suspicious of the myriad unknown eyes staring back at her. i bend my neck to as close as 90deg. as possible to have the same orientation--me the quirky aunt who's about to fall off her chair in her cube and she the investigative yet relaxed baby lying on her blanky. it's so crazy. i love this baby girl, even though i haven't spent much time with her. it's not that i don't love manny and benice; ask anybody who knows me, and they'll tell you how sometimes i really need to shut up. they all know by now that manny's favorite song is "beyond the sea" and that benice was a lion-bear for halloween `05. but there's something about clara, and i can't put my finger on it.
maybe, in a sense, i'm fascinated by little-girl-ness. if i want to get very psychological about it, i would have to bet that i'm searching for my own girlhood when i see clara. i still try to come up with "what it means," what my childhood and girlhood have added up to when creating my mehood. i have this little album on my shelf at home, and it's full of pictures of me over a period of about 20 years. occasionally i've thought that keeping such an album is a bit odd, perhaps egotistical, but, every time i go through it, i find that i'm still searching for myself and even trying to get something back that ostensibly was lost.
a lot of times, i struggle with "why am i this way?" it's as if i'm trying to slowly rewind the surveillance tapes to pinpoint the moments and the faces that influenced my course. i most often do that with my mood disorder. but that's largely a biological and spiritual question. but anyway. if i was looking at some of those pictures right now, i'd say that i was happy, lively, outgoing, friendly. and cute. (sorry, i can't help that, but my baby pictures really are adorable.) so maybe i really haven't lost much. or if i have, a lot of it was chaff that needed to fall by the wayside in order for me to become who i am now. maybe that's more important than figuring out what it all means, or maybe that's what it does actually mean.
so look at some of the pictures of me now, and see if i'm still happy, lively, outgoing and friendly. you can also fill in the cute part if you want. :)
maybe, in a sense, i'm fascinated by little-girl-ness. if i want to get very psychological about it, i would have to bet that i'm searching for my own girlhood when i see clara. i still try to come up with "what it means," what my childhood and girlhood have added up to when creating my mehood. i have this little album on my shelf at home, and it's full of pictures of me over a period of about 20 years. occasionally i've thought that keeping such an album is a bit odd, perhaps egotistical, but, every time i go through it, i find that i'm still searching for myself and even trying to get something back that ostensibly was lost.
a lot of times, i struggle with "why am i this way?" it's as if i'm trying to slowly rewind the surveillance tapes to pinpoint the moments and the faces that influenced my course. i most often do that with my mood disorder. but that's largely a biological and spiritual question. but anyway. if i was looking at some of those pictures right now, i'd say that i was happy, lively, outgoing, friendly. and cute. (sorry, i can't help that, but my baby pictures really are adorable.) so maybe i really haven't lost much. or if i have, a lot of it was chaff that needed to fall by the wayside in order for me to become who i am now. maybe that's more important than figuring out what it all means, or maybe that's what it does actually mean.
so look at some of the pictures of me now, and see if i'm still happy, lively, outgoing and friendly. you can also fill in the cute part if you want. :)
2.06.2006
fruitcakes, part two
jimmy buffett forgot to add an appendix to the manual...
99% of the time, we're genuinely good people. and then there's the other 1% of the time.
i feel like a complete ass. and i'm sorry.
99% of the time, we're genuinely good people. and then there's the other 1% of the time.
i feel like a complete ass. and i'm sorry.
2.03.2006
fruitcakes
Here come the big ones - Relationships.
We all got 'em, we all want 'em.
What do we do with'em?
Here we go I'll tell ya...
thank goodness jimmy buffett is around to give us the love manual.
i was talking to russ last night about this stuff, and i realized that i have been completely oblivious in the past ?? years. i've always had the idea that no matter what, i can force the issue and make things change the way i want them. because i'm me, and i'm cute, and therefore everybody will want to do things the way i want them to be done. :)
turns out, this is not so much the case. why has it taken me about ten years to realize that guys aren't necessarily chatty? didn't it occur to me that they don't terribly care about who said what behind whomever else's back and then what did she say to her best friend who went and told the other best friend who wasn't supposed to know? and when i would stop mid-sentence and notice that the eyes had glazed over, i would be pissed because i wasn't being listened to. but now i finally get it that the selective listening doesn't signal a lack of caring. and it in no way means that i have to work harder to "train" him. that's just absurd, and women should just throw the concept of "training" down the trash compactor. the man is not an animal that has to be taught to roll over or wag his tail or bark at the door.
anyway, i have learned to recognize the unspoken ways by which he shows affection. for instance, it feels great when he invites me to various parties/nights out/ hang-out time with his friends. not only is it nice to be in his company, but it also tells me that he's showing me off a little. i didn't make that assumption--it's something he told me a while back. there's also the sharing thing--introducing me to his favorite music, asking that we watch one of his favorite shows together because he thinks i'll really like it, and taking me to bojangles because the biscuits and chicken are to die for. it really is... those are only a few things that i'm learning to see in a different light.
i'm also trying to find different ways to be there for him. first and foremost (this will sound a bit oxymoronic...), i'm making an effort to relax. it's my opinion that a lot of women get very high strung and anxious if there is a dearth of daily phone calls or check-ins or whatever. and i've started to realize that it's not because a guy doesn't care, but that sometimes that's not his most favorite way of communicating (see mention of chatting above). second, i tend to try to get gifts and make a big deal over holidays and birthdays and fridays and sundays and usually mondays, tuesdays, wednesdays, thursdays and saturdays. i've always thought of gift-giving as a way to make somebody feel loved and cared for and special blah blah blah blah blah blah. and i've realized that that makes some people very self-conscious, and it can even make a situation awkward, because it's not always easy to interpret the vein in which the gift is given. that's why, this valentine's day, i don't want much of anything. i'd like to get him a tiny little something, but i'm not ready to drop the L-bomb yet, and i don't want him to feel that he has to either. at this stage, it's too possible that we're not on the same page, and that would just be, as i said, very awkward for all parties involved.
so i have to thank russ (and steve and kevin) for enlightening me. they are the buddhas in my relationship life-path.
and for valentine's day, just a little daisy would be nice.
:)
2.02.2006
hi
first of all, here's a *new* picture of my niece clara. she's on the right, hanging with pal zady hasse. if you look closely at her, clara looks A LOT like her brother benici. she'll be four months old this sunday. she's grown so much since i've seen her last, and i miss her. i hope that i get more chances to see her. i want so much to connect with her.
so i wouldn't normally bring this up, but today i can blame it on my new doctor. awesome. anyway, i have a new psychiatrist, and doug and i seem to click. and somehow yesterday during our session, the topic of meds and pregnancy came up. i know that i won't have children of my own for a long time, so it's not an immediate issue, but it's still something that i think about. for a woman with any psychiatric disorder, it can be very risky for her and her baby to change her medication routine. there are some drugs that are more dangerous than others, but not even the pharmaceutical (sp?) companies know that much about lamictal and its effects on the child and his or her mother. i don't really have any conclusions about this right now, except (and this might be completely unrelated anyway) that i know that i want a little girl of my own some day. so whatever.
on a lighter note, i had a great workout today. my office's location is primo, in that i can warm-up by jogging by the harbor and then do a workout at Rash Field or Federal Hill. i did Fed. Hill 8x today, and even though it was challenging, i got a lot out of it. granted, by the time i was nearing the crest on #8, my quads were seizing up, and i was basically stumbling to the top. but it was worth it. thank goodness for growing up at Cedar Crest where all we did was hills. hills... yum. my bread and butter.
the only down thing about doing hills today was that i ran into a hater. people know that i run. i love it. it's one of my favorite things in life, so i'm going to try to do it and feel good about it. i don't brag, i don't try to force other people into it, and i don't lord a superiority complex over non-runners. so when i was headed back, i ran into an acquaintance, and the person said, "i hate you." now obviously, it wasn't said with malice. but at the same time, when i passed the run off as a positive experience, largely because it's a gorgeous day outside, the response was "that's why i hate you." what's that about? i'm not taking this personally, except to the degree that i'm wondering why people get this way. are people jealous that somebody is getting outside and exercising, when in fact there is nothing stopping them from doing the same? very rarely is there an actual "i can't;" it's more often than not an "i won't." so i'm not going to do anything about that; it's their problem. and come summer 2006, when i'm looking hot in my brand new two-piece and they're cowering indoors in a pair of overalls, we'll just know who has reaped the better reward. so there, hater.
so i wouldn't normally bring this up, but today i can blame it on my new doctor. awesome. anyway, i have a new psychiatrist, and doug and i seem to click. and somehow yesterday during our session, the topic of meds and pregnancy came up. i know that i won't have children of my own for a long time, so it's not an immediate issue, but it's still something that i think about. for a woman with any psychiatric disorder, it can be very risky for her and her baby to change her medication routine. there are some drugs that are more dangerous than others, but not even the pharmaceutical (sp?) companies know that much about lamictal and its effects on the child and his or her mother. i don't really have any conclusions about this right now, except (and this might be completely unrelated anyway) that i know that i want a little girl of my own some day. so whatever.
on a lighter note, i had a great workout today. my office's location is primo, in that i can warm-up by jogging by the harbor and then do a workout at Rash Field or Federal Hill. i did Fed. Hill 8x today, and even though it was challenging, i got a lot out of it. granted, by the time i was nearing the crest on #8, my quads were seizing up, and i was basically stumbling to the top. but it was worth it. thank goodness for growing up at Cedar Crest where all we did was hills. hills... yum. my bread and butter.
the only down thing about doing hills today was that i ran into a hater. people know that i run. i love it. it's one of my favorite things in life, so i'm going to try to do it and feel good about it. i don't brag, i don't try to force other people into it, and i don't lord a superiority complex over non-runners. so when i was headed back, i ran into an acquaintance, and the person said, "i hate you." now obviously, it wasn't said with malice. but at the same time, when i passed the run off as a positive experience, largely because it's a gorgeous day outside, the response was "that's why i hate you." what's that about? i'm not taking this personally, except to the degree that i'm wondering why people get this way. are people jealous that somebody is getting outside and exercising, when in fact there is nothing stopping them from doing the same? very rarely is there an actual "i can't;" it's more often than not an "i won't." so i'm not going to do anything about that; it's their problem. and come summer 2006, when i'm looking hot in my brand new two-piece and they're cowering indoors in a pair of overalls, we'll just know who has reaped the better reward. so there, hater.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
