heroine with a thousand faces

i just finished reading the art of teaching by jay parini. it wasn't what i expected. when i was reading the summary online, i thought, "hey, this will be great; it'll offer practical teaching advice, remind me of what it's like to be imparting knowledge, and hopefully light the flame under me, get me closer to this career." and, as you're probably expecting, i was wrong. parini doesn't even mention the "nitty gritty," as he calls it, until the end of the book. while that section does include some very useful ideas, the preceding sections were much more thought-provoking for me. perhaps the biggest theme in parini's memoir is that of the classroom as a theatre and the teacher as an actor/actress, and at one point, he talks about the prevailing notion that it's fraudulent to wear a mask in front of your students. he goes on to engage that idea, countering it with his view that we are comprised of numerous selves. it is not the self versus the anti-self, but it is rather the self plus the self plus the self...ad infinitum.

his perspective penetrated me more easily and deeply than i expected, due to its relevance to my life in general. indeed, his entire book calls for the journey toward self-awareness, and that only by constantly examining can we direct others to search for truth as well. and his text led me to the idea of the self as opposed to the selves. lately, i've vigorously struggled with the questions of identity, purpose, intention and time. my mother and i spoke at length on sunday about these, and she seemed puzzled; why did i need to answer everything right now? why wasn't i content with what i had in life, and why did i have to plan everything at once? and while i understood her logic and knew that i had to learn some patience, i didn't end the evening by contemplating other possibilities. what parini's notion allows for is multiple paths. he discusses his poetry, his teaching and his various other projects, and he alludes to close relationships with many, many people. and so there's no reason why i can't allow all of my selves to peacefully coexist. i am simultaneously the teacher, the writer, the hardworker, the hot girl in the tight jeans and frayed tee, the runner, the Christian, the intense lover, and the fighter. this idea of combination also minimizes that which i'd been amplifying to a deafening degree; it's not so big and unmanageable anymore. i can do it.

i look forward to days with electric combinations, and i'll relish the evenings with sedate pairs or threes. ultimately, we are who we allow ourselves to be, and i am finding a peace in the coexistance of my personal components.