a clarification

it occurred to me yesterday that my post about my personal not-chomping-at the-bit-for-marriage post might have offended a few folks, and i want to say that that was not my intent at all. first of all, in the space of...three (?) years, i attended a total of 10 weddings and was in 4 of said ceremonies. it wasn't an issue of "when is it my turn" (although an annoying number of relatives and older friends of parents asked that question...); rather, it was definitely about celebrating my good friends' nuptials.

my personal philosophy these days comes from something that is more deeply rooted than some sort of socially imposed timeline for all women. ever since i can remember, the things i did/achieved/reached for were by in large praised by the people around me. i interpreted this as my actions were very pleasing to them, and so i endeavored to earn their acceptance as much as possible. i would stress and strain, trying to follow others' (read=parents') advice and the most widely recommended paths as closely as i could. as i entered my twenties and was surrounded by the aforementioned plethora of weddings, asked the numerous questions about my future wedding bells, etc., i thought that it was essential for me to be married pretty soon. i was even considering moving myself around with my boyfriend at the time and put off graduate school, even though we weren't engaged or anything like that. i wanted to make it to the finish line, so to speak. that turned out to be one of the major reasons that our relationship exploded. in retrospect, that was probably one of the best things that could have ever happened to me.

i came to realize that my efforts to please everyone else was consuming my own future and sacrificing my dreams. i had become unhealthfully dependent on what everyone else thought, advised, and sometimes expected. like i said, the demise of that relationship was very good for me; it forced me to break my deeply ingrained habits and to truly and genuinely start out on my own and make decisions for myself. it's been a long process and hard pattern to shed, but i think at this point i've largely rid myself of such rigidity. as a result, i am thoroughly enjoying the liberties i'm now allowing myself, the opportunities that i'm exploring and the new possibilities that i'm seeing every day.

i'm much more ambivalent about marriage than i used to be, in terms of when, where, how, who, etc., and for me, i think that is a very healthy change. sure, eventually i would like to be married and have a family, but it doesn't need to be tomorrow.

the self-imposed pressure is gone, and i feel freer than i ever have in my life.