all i want for christmas is

so here i am in PA on Christmas Eve, ready to celebrate and love and be happy with my family. very nice. for some reason though, don't ask me why, all the crappy things of this year have been on my mind. at the forefront, and calling this crappy is an understatement, is losing my grandpa beatty. the fact that he isn't physically here this Christmas has hit me pretty hard, more than just a few times in the past weeks. i'm generally able to get myself to relax after a short cry, so that's good, but i realized today in church that, at times, i'm still angry about it. as much as i know that this is the way things go, blah blah blah, i still hate it that he's not here. he should be here. he's supposed to be here. that's not a very compassionate view, considering how sick and worn out his body was. in fact, it's pretty damn selfish. but, it's how i feel.

that's not to say that this year hasn't been without blessings. i think that if i hadn't been blessed with this teaching job in such a loving Christian community, getting through the grieving process would be much more difficult. the job in and of itself is a huge gift as well. as much as i grouse and get frustrated and exhausted, i love the work, and i love the kids. i'm so happy, and i love being in the classroom, this time in front of the desks instead of behind one. my niece clara also celebrated her first birthday, and i can't tell you how wonderful it is to have a lovely little girl in the family. and, to double that fun, a few months ago i found out that geoff & mia are expecting another baby girl in february. that makes two nephews and two nieces for me, and i can't get over the pure joy that these kids bring. it's something that is totally unasked for, and yet they constantly bring smiles and laughter.

and so does chris. this past year... dare i believe it's been more than a year? ~15 months, give or take a few weeks?! we never really had a "start" date anyway... but i digress. it's hard to explain the impact he's had. this past Easter was the first time i realized what kind of trouble i was in. and by trouble, i mean how deeply i could possibly love him. i didn't feel that way quite yet, and i wasn't going to dare to breathe the "L" word at all, but it occurred to me that i was sliding, and sliding fast. what put me over the top was the way he engaged his niece and nephew. i can't explain it. you had to have been there. but it was a beautiful thing to see. we worked so hard together to get through some rough spots, and we put in some major sweat to help each other move. we went to the beach with my family, spent a weekend with his family, and then did thanksgiving with the newells in atlanta.

he's in raleigh for Christmas with the flakes, and i miss him a lot right now. i hope i wasn't too maudlin about it, but i told him that i wanted so much for us to have a Christmas together. it didn't need to be on the 25th, but it would be nice just to have a morning, any morning, where we would have a lazy breakfast and exchange little tiny things together. to me, it's more about being with him on Christmas than having stuff from him on Christmas. i don't know if we'll have that when we each return to our respective homes.

all the same, i hope it happens someday. that is all i want for Christmas.