church family

Second Presbyterian is my church home, or as Kim's song goes, my second family. i sing on the worship team for the 9AM service, and although dragging myself out of bed for our early practices before the service can be tough, it's completely worth it.

i've been a Presbyterian all my life, but it wasn't until life happened that i really started to search in my faith. basically, when i was 16, clinical depression started to set in, but at that time, nobody in my family really recognized what was going on, so we just thought i'd get over "the blues." well, over the next few years, it just grew and grew, and, on top of other life events, everything just got out of control. i was formally diagnosed and underwent treatment, but the thing about depression is that it starts to tear away at your cognitive abilities. it's hard to understand what's reality and what's not, and you beat yourself up for not being able to tell the difference.

so, what was once just a set of memorized verses and litanies started to become thorns in my side. i've wrestled with God to the very depths, and i was extremely furious when my diagnosis changed to bipolar disorder. sure, it explained my deep, dark lows, as well as my frenzied ability to write two papers in two days, but i was angry with Him. since i was young, i'd seriously prided myself on my intellectual abilities, but it seemed that my illness rendered that moot. i was upset because it seemed that my intellect was targeted. i was distraught because i became too emotional to be involved in all of my activities. i was enraged because it took away my ability to handle and participate in track and field, something i'd done for nine years.

most of all, i was terrified of what was happening to me.

the amazing thing that i've learned in my struggles with God is that these times call us to open up and depend on Him. depression makes you think that something is very wrong with you, that you are unworthy of any kindness or even recognition. so you withdraw and even deny yourself anyone else's attempts to help you. but He doesn't let go. and after i'd exhausted myself with yelling and sobbing and fighting, i had nothing left but to let Him in. so now i know what it means to be grateful to
and accepted and loved by God. i don't think i would have truly understood that had i not been through the first years of my illness.

i still don't know what all of this is about. and sometimes it's very hard to describe to my friends and family what it is to own the illusion of the jekyl and hyde (sp?) abomination. but i think what it can do is comfort others who are in the same situation; maybe they too can know grace and hope. and maybe people who do not have this illness can learn about it, at least a little, and can learn to exercise compassion and a willingness to sit with an afflicted friend.

i may not be able to express it so well, but my faith and my church are essential to and first in my life. Second Pres. really is my second family.