outside beauty

i can't believe the sun today. i headed downtown on rt. 83, and the fog was so present that i couldn't see the traffic lights until i was practically on top of them. as the day progressed, the fog rose and the sun was brilliant across the harbor. when i went outside to go run, there was still a hint of haze clinging to the water and the local city air. it made a rather unpleasant workout semi-bearable. i warmed up by running over to rash field, and after some good stretching, i did 6 quarters. repeats have always been my bread and butter, but after having been out due to various injuries/illnesses/etc., i was feeling the adverse effects of stressing my body. or maybe that was the bag of carrots that i ate about an hour before running... all told though, it was a very thorough workout, with a cool-down that was a bit longer and included two flights of stairs. my HR was elevated, and my energy returned when i got back to the office. i've been feeling pretty refreshed for the past few hours, so this was a good thing.

on another note, i wish that people wouldn't say anything sometimes, that they would leave some things unsaid. last night, i was talking to one of my closest friends. he happens also to be an ex of several years ago. and that's important. we got onto the topic of S.O.s and where things stand in that department. and for some reason, the conversation nearly always meanders back to what went haywire when we were dating. at that point in my life, i felt that i was only a little more attractive than your average shrub. and here he tells me that he was crazily attracted to me, wanted this, wanted that. and i had noooooooo idea. what ifs that should have stayed in came out. it made me uncomfortable. don't get me wrong--i love this guy like a brother, and, unless he does something really bad, i always will. but why can't stuff just be left alone? tell me that. tell me why he doesn't go on and on about his girl and how attracted he is to her. tell me why he even cares who i'm with and how that's going. but this will blow over quickly, i think. he's too much of a stand-up guy to do anything radically stupid. go him.

actually, it's partly because of him that i had some self-image problems. "katie holmes this," "katie holmes that"--if you're sick of her now, i was nauseated to the nth degree because i had to hear about her every other minute. a guy i wasn't even dating at the time told me i was beautiful; i was so stunned that i almost fell out of my chair. my guy hadn't yet, and we'd been together for about six months. not to put a timeline on stuff, but when you've been with a girl for awhile and supposedly care about her and are attracted to her, you might want to mention something positive about her appearance.

things have drastically changed since then. i truly believe in my own being--in every aspect, good and bad. i know that i can go out with the girls and make some heads turn and jaws drop (yeah, Crease!). i get that at the beach or poolside, i look best in a two piece and have thus marked the VS swim shop as my favorite store EVER. i am very mindful about how i dress and where i am and who is with me; being classy and sexy is vastly different from being slutty. some girls don't get that. and a big change from before is that there is someone who can deal with my heinous sleep hair first thing in the morning or will look at me when i'm dazed and half asleep and still proceed to say that i'm cute or has fun picking me up, marveling at how tiny (is he sure?!) i am.

for the two guys reading, i'm not trying to crucify anybody, nor am i trying to make anybody self-conscious or weirded out. i'm not mad or upset. i love the people in my life. but histories are complicated, whether they're complete or in the making. and what i'm trying to make of all this is an accurate remembrance of how i've grown and changed in recent years and who has surrounded me in that time. this is my way of saying things that i can't say in person.

and i have a lot to say...