so today is ash wednesday, the start of lent* we had mass at school today, and monsignor hartnett said some really interesting things* what caught me the most was what commitment a person can make in this season leading to easter--it's not necessarily what you give up, but what you give* i'd already decided that i was going to forego soda; i'm trying to be a good steward of the body i've been given* but, in my mind, that was a fairly trite thing for a 27 yr old woman to commit to (sorry if i'm stepping on anyone's toes, but that's a thing for me)* so i thought and i thought and i thought and i thought, and as the congregation was moving up the aisle to receive ashes, there was a moment of clarity*
for those of you who know me well, you know that i have issues with church* those of you who really, really, really know me well, you know that i've had issues since my senior year in college* it's been eating at me, and my attempts to get past that have been abortive* and in this moment of clarity this afternoon, it occurred to me that the problem lies in trust* while i haven't abandoned what i believe, i have found it extremely difficult to be comfortable in a worship setting* EXTREMELY difficult* it would become claustrophobic and overwhelming and very uncomfortable* since that thing in college, i have had trouble trusting other christians, being very wary of betrayal*
--please let me make a note: i'm not making a blanket statement that all christians are like this, either scared of each other or not trustworthy* i'm just recounting my personal experience and the realizations that i had this afternoon*
anyway, in mass, i thought about being a good friend for lent, really being concerned about those around me, breaking out of a shell and being a friend to people i just know casually, and so on and so forth* eventually, it dawned on me that i should transfer that to the worship setting* i should dispel my fears and give some trust back to the christian community* i'll admit that it won't be easy* but that is what lent is about* it doesn't really mean so much if you can make your change without even thinking* it should take perseverence and patience* i'll just take one baby step at a time*
for those of you who know me well, you know that i have issues with church* those of you who really, really, really know me well, you know that i've had issues since my senior year in college* it's been eating at me, and my attempts to get past that have been abortive* and in this moment of clarity this afternoon, it occurred to me that the problem lies in trust* while i haven't abandoned what i believe, i have found it extremely difficult to be comfortable in a worship setting* EXTREMELY difficult* it would become claustrophobic and overwhelming and very uncomfortable* since that thing in college, i have had trouble trusting other christians, being very wary of betrayal*
--please let me make a note: i'm not making a blanket statement that all christians are like this, either scared of each other or not trustworthy* i'm just recounting my personal experience and the realizations that i had this afternoon*
anyway, in mass, i thought about being a good friend for lent, really being concerned about those around me, breaking out of a shell and being a friend to people i just know casually, and so on and so forth* eventually, it dawned on me that i should transfer that to the worship setting* i should dispel my fears and give some trust back to the christian community* i'll admit that it won't be easy* but that is what lent is about* it doesn't really mean so much if you can make your change without even thinking* it should take perseverence and patience* i'll just take one baby step at a time*
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