so maybe mom is right

i hate when that happens.

but, it happens a lot, so i might as well get used to it.

after some genuine angst-ing last night and the unavailability of my best friend to counsel me at oh-my-god o'clock this morning, i decided that i needed to talk to my mom about said angst. at least in my 26 years i've come so far as to realize the wisdom of that move. anyway, she once again shed a refreshingly knowing light on my situation, and she said something she's said a few times before. i've decided it's time to listen to her.

mom doesn't let the fact that i'm her only daughter get in the way of honesty, and she told me that, periodically, i am a saboteur of my own happiness. i read way too much into things, and in an effort to avoid somebody else shooting me in the heart, i end up shooting myself in the foot instead. and when i think about it, so what if somebody does? i've taken it for the team before, and i've always had people backing me up.

it occurs to me that i get scared of good things. it's been a pattern of mine to think, when something positive happens, that the other shoe has to drop soon, and it's going to drop hard. how sad and cynical is that? come to think of it, i'm that way about a lot of things--relationships, having bipolar disorder, jobs and the future in general. i've never before thought of myself as a pessimist, but maybe i am. i don't want to be. can i change that?

ruminations

now i feel lazy. check out this article:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/28/AR2005122801369.html

once again, i <3 the washington post. HOORAY, washington post! anyway, reading this article makes me think about the differences between the united states and other countries. here, i've never had to worry about being forced into marriage or anything like that, and i've had the freedom to go get whatever education i've wanted. but in ethiopia, i might be considered an old maid at 26. and what about running? what kind of *thing* is it for me? what place does it have? i was getting excited last night about a bunch of races, but sometimes, it's a chore and something that worries me and gives me some anxiety. for these girls, it's literally a path to freedom and a better future. now, i will say that i wouldn't trade the liberties that i have here for anything, but it makes me think about how i much i take certain things for granted. how can i transform running into something more meaningful? any ideas?

my dog is hiding from me at the moment

i don't know what's gotten into toby since we've returned to baltimore. maybe it's the fact that we're back into my 40hr work week schedule, but we weren't ever really out of it, except for on monday. i don't know. whatever.

i finally got out the door today to run. i went during my lunch hour, and i saw some parts of baltimore i hadn't seen since the marathon. basically, i ran down to camden yards and back, with little detours on conway and around the aquarium. i was out for ~30 min, and i managed to get back in, de-gross-ify and eat a yummy lunch too. awesome.

i went out on monday too, and i did the standard jhu loop. have to say--i wore the underarmour mom and dad got me for christmas, and can i say that I LOVE IT?!!!! there, i said it. the other tights i've had always lost the warmth after a mile or so, but these babies kept it for 99% of the run. and the top? functional AND hot.

so, hopefully i'll stop being a lazy ass and start getting out on a regular basis. goals: B&A half marathon, shamrock 5K, rockville pike's peak, and VA 5K. maybe i'll do the national half as well. we'll see.

score!

not so humbug anymore

as if i needed a reason to save some pennies... the only problem with the craft movement is that you've got to spend to get started. i would <3>to make my own jewelry, and i would <3 to make pillows, towels, etc., etc. i already <3 making scarves. did you notice that i <3 things? i <3 you too, you cutie.

;)

part of the craft-draw for me is how it connects me to grandma hixson. she died two years ago, and i miss her, but everytime i pick up my needles or wrap up in the blanket she knitted for me, i know she loves me. i think that's a major bonus of the wearable-crafts; we can wear the love of another person on our bodies. i greatly admire maria and her painstaking efforts to make the boys' costumes. they're too little to realize how much of her heart went into those fabric-y bluebirds, but i can appreciate that the feathers are not made just of felt.

maybe, when i finish my current project, i'll look into jewelry next. or, there's the option of embroidery. that seems very hard, but it could be good. detailed challenges tend to slow my sometimes manic brain. in other words, it's cheap therapy. maybe my sewing skills will somehow magically improve as well. to be able to measure accurately, cut, pin and sew a straight line, and to finish a real pattern?! i could make skirts or sheet sets or curtains or maybe even a dress! i'd be unstoppable!

baby steps, jo... baby steps.

post-Christmas whatev

am i only 26 and yet already jaded? i don't know. what i do know is that i was very frustrated with Christmas this year. i knew going into it that it wasn't going to be bing crosby and "holiday inn" and all that, and yet, i was hoping for something anyway. turns out, my whole family was tired, annoyed and at wit's end as to how to get some equilibrium back into life. and it's all because of time. i'm watching my grandfather and grandmother age with such rapidity that it's a little bit frightening, and my dad is being worn down in the process. that's not what Christmas is about, is it? let me break out the tried-and-true elementary school whine of "it's not fair."

i look at my mom as she tries to keep dad together. sometimes, she tries too hard to be the peacemaker and doesn't let people express seeds of discontent or conflict. that can make things worse sometimes, but somehow she knows to balance that and to really let things fly. she can intuit when dad needs alone time and when to "let" him buy a new major power tool. it makes him feel good.

i look at my grandmother as she shuffles around my parents' house. it saddens me sometimes to know that she locks herself into a depression and will not let us help her get herself out of it. and perhaps, i don't have enough patience with her about that, since i know that often our thought patterns can be self-defeating, and that that can be overcome. and sometimes she won't do that. she chooses sadness and guilt and emotional flagelation (sp?), and it makes me mad because she then dumps her weight on everyone else. again, maybe i'm being too hard on her, but i recognize those thought and behavior patterns because it used to be me, 100%, and a long time ago, i recognized how burdensome and hurtful it can be to other people. it's unnecessary, and it makes me angry sometimes that she won't get over herself. grandpa's declining health is not God punishing her. does anybody notice, by the way, how self-focusing depression can be? and yet, i love grandma so much. our relationship has changed so much in the past year. we've always been close, and then last year, she was screaming in my face for a myriad of things, her own health being a big problem. and now, her health is better, but grandpa suffers, and so grandma and i talk a lot. she talks about how she doesn't deserve things, about how her kids and grandkids are so much better than her, and so on and so forth. can she tell me when she stopped deserving human dignity and love and compassion and respect? if you confront her with a question like that, she'll hem and haw and acknowledge that she's an okay person. it pains me to see her picture of herself cloud over and diminish.

i look at myself occasionally pulling my hair out because i don't see anything tangible that i can do; there's no way to "rescue" anybody. i'm two hours away (if i go the speed limit), and i have my own obligations that keep me here in baltimore. on the other hand though, it's probably very fortunate that i'm not tied down. if i had a family, i'd still make the effort, but as things are now, it is much easier for me to drop everything and head north if need be. anyway, my family is in a major state of transition, one that started in 2004. there is so much changing right in front of my eyes, and i'm still trying to make sense of it. who are we now? who am i now? where do i belong? should i spend more time in PA or plow through down here? i have difficulty figuring these things out...

what i'm coming to realize is how much these people anchor me and i them. part of me wants to detach a little bit and settle myself in my own way, have something of my own. dammit, i'm so confused...

the washington post has two articles on Bipolar Disorder in today's issue. both are very well done. both make me cry.

confronting my disease is always hard. sometimes i feel like i don't have the right to call it that, even though, left untreated, like any other disease, it could kill me. but i won't let it. i'm sitting here in my cube, looking at the little momentos that i have, and i'm trying hard not to sob. i don't want my coworkers to hear.

compared to other bipolar sufferers, i have things under control pretty well. i'm what is labeled as "functioning." i've never had a manic episode like that which michelle capots describes (see first article). my most extreme depressive episode occurred almost three years ago, which, in the world of major disorders, is EONS into the past.

but whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

i still get angry that i have bipolar. i know that gives the disease a small degree of power over me, but doesn't it already have that? i live my life as two sides; on one, i'm infuriated and enraged at this thing that seems to have a chokehold on my mind, and on the other, i'm just grateful to know the grace of being alive. the one redeeming (?) aspect of this situation is that i'm not ignorant. long before i was diagnosed as having bipolar, in fact two years before being diagnosed as being chronically depressed, i knew that there was deeper value in knowing the greatest depth of emotion, as opposed to skimming along the surface. because of what i've seen within myself, i have a greater appreciation for what is truly beautiful. take from that what you will.

i can't concentrate right now. are we surprised? not at all. i just want to leave, drive down to chris's place and make dinner, and then we could curl up on the couch and get the sleep that we both (but him more than me) desperately need.

i hope that this isn't too personal, but i appreciate chris for something i bet he doesn't even realize that he gives. when he's silent and looks into my eyes, everything that he doesn't even know he can say is said, and i can rest. and for someone with bipolar, a moment's peace is the greatest treasure in the world. i can get so worked up with mania or depression, and it's scary. so i think that, after knowing those kinds of moments, i can truly appreciate somebody who doesn't have to save the world or fix me or be perfect; i am blessed to be with somebody who is simply himself and knows that that is enough.


please read these articles, as they will educate you and enable you to be there for somebody or, this is a distinct possibility, even be there for yourself.

"Dealing with Bipolar Disorder"--an account of a manic episode, by Michelle Capots
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/13/AR2005121301551.html

"A Sudden Shift in Moods"--an article explaining cyclomythia, a form of bipolar disorder, by Stacey Colino
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/17/AR2005121700892.html

ugly mirrors

for the first time in a long time, i was disatisfied with my image today. of course, it couldn't have come at a worse time. i haven't seen chris in almost two weeks, and i wanted to find an outfit that would look especially sweet. just for him. and of course, what i tried on in the dressing room made me feel as though two prize elephants had just taken up residence in my thighs.

thanks.

now, i'm not some ignorant, blind, appearance-obsessed Cosmo adherent who has nothing better to think of herself than as an ill-made mannequin for somebody else's vision of beauty. please. that is so passe. but, for what it's worth, i truly believe that every woman struggles with who she is outwardly, in large part because she doesn't feel the way she thinks she looks, for better or for worse. i don't think i can explain that. it's even confusing to me, and i'm going through it right now.

what does 20+ years bring to a woman's body? right now, i'm popping my gum, daydreaming about my boyfriend and listening to cds while chair dancing in my cube. and yet, my body looks older than that. i'm not sure how i feel about this. and of course, if sharone or olethia or kim or cecilia or any of the older women in my life read this, they'd smack me silly because i'm just 26. but seriously, i have this thing about aging. sometimes, i feel no older than 6, and lately i wonder if that's as acceptable. is my spirit supposed to match my body? and if the answer is yes, then what am i supposed to do? lose my fondness for sharp crayolas and a blank piece of paper?

it's a strange thing for me. i really enjoy feeling womanly, and simultaneously, i prize the fact that i still possess what is, in some ways, a child's heart. this has me going in circles sometimes. i guess i don't really have a definitive picture of who, or what, i am.

it's not so big of a crisis, i think. i'll get back into shape soon, and ultimately i am not disastisfied with my body; sometimes, i just have Really Bad shopping days. damn the dressing room. these days, i know that i am loved for who i am, even if i don't know precisely who that is. so, i think my whimsy can reside in this body, this body with PowerThighs and UberButt. my whimsy laughs at that picture.

now give me my crayons.

the irony of ann coulter

i have no wish to waste more of my time on her than necessary, but... ms. coulter, "stupider" is not a word.

Happy Holidays, Hon!

i live in hampden. need i say more? no, but seriously. i think the entire state of delaware was there last night, just to see 34th st. this time of year, it's known as "the miracle on..." and it has to be, mainly because there hasn't been a spectacular fire in all the years they've been putting up the light display.

i borrowed this picture from www.christmasstreet.com, a site that you HAVE TO VISIT to get an idea of what the magic is All About. while it's an excellent picture, it only shows two of the decorated houses. that's right folks, the entire block is festooned in similar fashion. yeah, festooned. oh boy.

i run the risk of being accosted if any of my neighbors are reading this, mostly because, to live in hampden, you by in large have to have great pride in the little neighborhood. otherwise, nobody in her right mind would live here. i can say this because i'm not in my right mind. ever. the area is a mix of classes and lifestyles, with a bit of entrepreneurial gusto butting heads with gentrification butting heads with starving artists butting heads with true bawlmoreans who've lived here for decades. we've also got our requisite city "toughs" who like to think that, as 16-19 year olds, they can own the neighborhood. that said, we have plenty of sweet neighbors and good friends who look out for each other. we have great little boutiques (re= Minas) that you won't find anywhere else and a coffee shop that plays U2 a lot. SCORE!

to get back to "the miracle," i'll give you a topic: there are numerous positives and negatives to this type of display culture, one of the latter being an escapist culture in which we try to avoid the real problems that plague our post-modern culture. discuss.

but seriously. i walked a friend down to "the miracle" last night, and she couldn't get over the spectacle of it all. enchanting? yes. for about a split second. then some enterprising (read "exploitive") folks started to approach the crowds, trying to sell those useless little neon glow plastic necklaces. on the corner, dudes had a big grill going, and they were selling a variety of meats. and the first thing i thought? "hmmm, i wonder if they're following the health code..." somebody else was selling sweatshirts that had ripped off the natty bo logo (that's right; whoever you are, i'm ratting you out) by slapping a santa hat on it. excuse me for being a bit scrooge-y, but... wtf? i lived on the 800 block of 34th three years ago, and i don't remember all the hucksters being out there then. sure, the 700 block was as tackily aglow then as it is now, and traffic still jammed the entire street because people were too lazy to park and get out and walk to see the display, but, it was quirky. it was innocent and fun. it was hampden, over-the-top and in all its glory. i loved it. and now? i am truly disappointed in human greed edging in on a neighborhood tradition. shame on them.

BUT. i am not, have not ever been, and will never be the type to let other people ruin my christmas. my philosophy is that while we can't ignore other people, we can usually CHOOSE how they affect us, and i WON'T let another person scuttle my holidays. so, you may find this surprising, but i've been to "the miracle" three times already this december. i've taken toby down there everytime, and everytime, we just kind of lose ourselves in the crowds. for one, this helps his behavior because he can't be so skittish. but two, i like hearing people converse and seeing families interact. somehow, i think the magic isn't really in the display, but the display starts the magic in the people. they stream past the herds of reindeer that carry clone santas past the legions of babies Jesus. they hear the gregorian chants float over the replicated who village and its cardboard grinch. they laugh and ooh and ahh, and they're there with friends and family. on the one hand, we can by reflex be repulsed by the overly material display, or (and i think this is the more enlightened path) we can choose to see how the miracle coaxes people to be with others and to somehow let go of everyday ridiculousness and to comment on what's going on around christmas.

that is why hampden is so great.

with the requisite nod to MTV

we need CELEBRITY FOOD DEATH MATCH!!! for the moment, let's leave out the celebrities. first, there has to be the national match-ups. let me pick on chris for a minute and nominate raleigh's glorified bbq. now for anyone not privileged enough to be from NC, bbq does NOT mean "saturated with red stuff." it means "saturated with clear stuff." duh. and, since we're starting with meat, let's be fair and do meat-on-meat. so, let's grab the ultra-famous philly cheesesteak. DUN DUN DUN!!!! it HAS to be a real cheesesteak, from philly, not from those crap joints in suburban maryland called "philly cheesesteaks." really. i've seen them. so we've got two big guns, each of whom could kill its respective consumer with rapid-firing saturated fats. ultimately, the philly cheesesteak KOs the bbq, on the grounds that, while i like the latter, a)i like the former better and b)the latter comes with hush puppies. barf.

every super bowl, my mom makes a dish from the two cities. sadly, we won't be have cheesesteaks two years in a row. sniff sniff :( THAT'S GENUINE SADNESS, OKAY?! anyway, she's made new england clam chowder (*note--i've always hated clam chowder, but now i have even more reason to do so; damn patriots), crab cakes (it'll be a long time before she makes them again, thank you, kyle boller) and italian sausage soup (you suck, giants). anyway, with the winter olympics coming up (we'll give the token nod, even though it's not nearly as exciting as the summer olympics; sorry, jenna), i propose a similar set-up. predictions, anyone?


*so that chris doesn't get nuts, i have to say that i really do like NC bbq. i just have to be true to my roots though. the NORTH wins again! :)

he may kill me for putting this up here, but too bad.
i love this picture.


:)

it's cold.

so i may be a little bit of a wuss. i'm here in the office with tissues everywhere, a big cup of OJ, a bag bursting with ricola, and my long wool coat and knit scarf on. and i'm losing my voice. i guess i'm not a girl for the winter. i think Reznick needs to open an office in... say... Aruba? then i could sashay to work in one of my really cute minis and a pair of flip-flops, right? a girl can always dream...

i was watching 'project runway' last night. i know, i know. but don't you think that heidi klum is the most adorable girl ever? yes. yes she is. i also have a thing for stewie griffin. adorable in that pathological egomaniac kind of way.

here's a weird observation: i don't remember the last time that running was featured in a sitcom. they always do the backyard football or little league baseball or olympics at the company picnic. but what i'm saying is that there are a lot of hilarious moments with running... the ice cream mile at kehoe track? tornado touching down at the wake forest track? ben and steele in drag? wait, no, they were just drunk of their asses... but still. just get together with ANY long distance team. it's a smash hit sitcom waiting to happen. take my word for it. please.

and in the meantime, i'll jog around in my cube and warm up. put that on tv.

what's the word, bill riley?

bill riley is the big man here at reznick group/baltimore. i met the guy once, when i was touring the building on my first day. seems like a nice person. anyway, i was thinking about him and all of the other principals, and it occurred to me that they have invested years of their lives in this business. do i have something like that? is there a job/cause/movement/hobby(?) that i could put years into? the only thing that i can think of so far is my schooling. whee. yeeha. but, it isn't until education becomes a choice, post-16-years-old, that i think of it as something i can count as an accomplishment, time-wise. so, that said, i've invested...seven years? i guess i want to find something, you know?

running. 15 years. excellent. time off here and there, but it's been a major part of my life since i was 11. so what does that make me? crazy, some say, especially since i've done the marathon. and i would have to agree.

school. "only" 2 years, but crazy amounts of blood, sweat, and tears went into that master's. heavy on the tears. quantitatively, it's given me two years of extra stress and $20K of school loans with no extra leg up on the job market. but let's not look at that side. it's not the most important. someday, it will be a stepping stone for a PhD. today, i look at it and see that what i did is not something that everybody can do. it was also something i loved. who gets to watch Indiana Jones movies and write about it for a grade?! who gets to sit around with their peers for hours and hours, going on about the present-day implications of whether or not people are allowed to read in their native language? i miss that. and i have always believed that things happen for a reason. my masters was a time of upheaval and rebuilding. to be honest, i loved derek, but it was good that we broke up. it was good that i had to struggle with life for a while. it was good that i allowed myself to be open to other people again, to allow myself to trust and be vulnerable. it was good that i soon wanted to get out on my own; i'd been very timid before and hadn't much followed my own path, at least not with a lot of confidence. and so i graduated, tears behind me, having flushed out my self-imposed toxicity.

that is a good return on an investment.

good work, jo

yooooga yooooga yooooga yooooga

did that instead of running today. my hip joints were grinding this morning. i swear i'm not 8o. but still. anyway, i'm just giving myself time to chill and get back into things. that means i'll run tomorrow AM. HAHAHAHAHA. no, maybe i really will. we'll see.

*awesome*

i feel a lot better. i got out for a run, after a looooong hiatus. bad knee and then BUSY BUSY BUSY, but i decided to stop copping out. i hate excuses, so i just pushed my ass out the door for a short time out. 32 minutes, the JHU loop, with just a little added, and then 200 crunches and 45 push-ups. i wasn't as cold as i thought i'd be, so that was nice. i'd still like to get some better cold weather running gear, but i'll make do for now. (medium tops and bottoms, if anybody's wondering)

i also need to attend to my eating habits a little better, so i think i'm going to try to heed the concepts of the "no diet" diet. i've done it before but just fell out of habit. basically, i just listen and feel very closely, eat when i'm hungry and stop when i'm not. it's so much better, and it helps me to realize how mental eating can really be. we eat out of anxiety, the idea that it's a comfort issue and afraid that it won't be there if we won't eat it now. you know what i mean.

steve griblle gave a good sermon today, and it made me think about how i need to be focusing on the joy of Christ's love for us. he noted that a lot of times when we're having a rough go of things (specific incidents aside), it's often because we're not mindful of the depths that God moves for us. and as i was running, i was considering my future, and i decided that i need to wait on the phd. it's just not time yet. i can go back eventually. or maybe i won't go back at all. but anyway, i want to try some other things before that, and it's better stewardship of my finances as well. i'm comfortable with this, although i know there will be times when i miss it. i do think that i will try to get back into some sort of teaching. that is where i belong. just not at a college right now. i'm okay with that.

peace.

insomniac

tomorrow's going to feel like hell. and by tomorrow, i mean sunday AND monday. i don't know what's going on here. i have a lot of things on my mind, not the least of which being my desire for a stability ball. i could sit on one of these things for hours. i like how my butt makes the ball roll around. i feel like i'm six again. awesome.

so here's a question: should i at all and how soon should i go back for a phd? here are the reasons against--i was so totally burned out from just getting a masters. because of bipolar disorder, things were much harder, and i went through hell just finishing ONE paper. would i be able to handle a much bigger work load, orals and a dissertation, much less the necessary extra stuff that would build a good, solid CV? reason #2--finances would suck AGAIN, and i'm already hating my current student loan situation. i seriously dislike the indentured servitude that is the grad life, and i'd like to be able to be self-sufficient without starving. reasons FOR--i miss it. i miss the classroom, i miss the level of literature, i miss the intellectual engagement, and i miss that being my sole focus. i felt like i would eventually make a difference in somebody's life. ultimately, i want to be teaching literature at the college level. i'm just not ready to go back quite yet...

other stuff--personal doubts are rough, and when i get manic, i can be extremely restless. i think that's a problem for me right now. i'm having a lot of trouble focusing and sitting still, literally and figuratively. maybe that's why i like the stability ball--it's both bouncy and relaxing. whatever. anyway, i get restless in relationships too, through no fault of the other person, and it can be abundantly confusing to both parties. my track record is to stick with things, though, although with some people, that has been a bad idea. so, thanks to that, sometimes i don't have a lot of confidence in my decision-making. chris told me tonight (this morning?) to just say "the hell with it" and just go with what i feel. that's so tough... i prayed for a long time tonight, asking God for guidance. He always comes through, sometimes in the weirdest ways. it's funny though, because i know when it's Him. i believe that i'm meant to be employed in some sort of educative capactiy. i see signs in all the time, in a whole bunch of different places. it's just a matter of moving on it, acting on faith. am i good at that? sort of, i guess.

well, i should try to put myself to bed. sing myself to sleep, maybe. daydream of fairytales until i actually start dreaming. night, everybody. count yourself some sheep for me.

trauma, boots and boogers

this past week was a little rough. grandpa passed out again, and he was put in the hospital. finally, he had to be sent to continuing nursing care, which is the name that most people give to a nursing home these days. the good thing is that it's more about rehabilitation now than permanent residence. the hope is that he'll get his strength back and be able to move into assisted living with grandma. it's been hard because it's really becoming evident that grandpa, while able to rebound, won't be able to be at his former strength. he just turned 87, and i find that i want him to be here forever. i'm not an idiot. but it's just really hard for me to give in, you know? all of my grandparents have been very influential on me, and i'm just SO used to them being here. we're all very, very close. how fortunate is that? he's such a blessing to me.

the day and visit didn't end on bad notes though. my nephews and niece are such bright lights in the family, and i learned that benicio, my younger nephew, has a brand new fascination: boogers. he's intrigued by the slimy texture that goops from his nose, and he went on several digging expeditions today.








the whole beatty clan was at our house today, and we got a great photo of my grandma w/ her grandkids and great-grandkids.

going clockwise, that's kristin holding manny, grandmom, jenna holding benici, maria, geoff holding clara, and me. it was a long day for my brother--that's why he looks like he's dozing. i also realized too late that i was channeling jay (jay & silent bob) with the hat and stick-straight hair...



one gripe that i had about today; my niece is more of a fashion plate than me. of course, it doesn't hurt that she has legions of doting relatives to buy her outfits and accessories... when did i lose that opportunity?


check the boots. are they not The Cutest Things You Have Ever Seen?! how not-fair is that? if you're pulling your hair out trying to figure out a gift for me, here's a hint: size 8 boots or shoes. i'm a sucker for red shoes...



so, the moral of today's story is: we can't be here forever, but we can cherish the even the gross, slimy little things that come from us, and our nieces will always be able to better accessorize than we can.

happy holidays, everybody!

lunchtime at reznick

so i have a new job. awesome. i'm a word processor at Reznick Group, a CPA firm in downtown baltimore. it's pretty sweet. everybody in the wp dept. is really nice, and they've helped me out as i fumble my way through my first month. i can't believe that it's been a month almost. have i really been away from c2 for so long? fabulous. essentially, my job consists of formatting and preparing financial documents for distribution to clients. it's nice because it's something different, and i'm learning about a whole new field. while i'm working, i can also have mental space for other things, and that's refreshing too. is this what it's like to actually have a job you enjoy? pinch me! :)

other important thing--it's Christmas season! woo! i'm actually on pace for everything, and i'm excited about the things i have lined up for my friends and family. i hate the commercial that says "better gift, better reaction." what jerks. my emphasis is not so much on the actual material thing i'm giving but more on the fact that i have to attend to that person and his or her ways at this time. does that make sense? it provokes me to be more considerate, to listen better, to be more generous toward their needs and spirit. that's what i try to take with me and improve every year.

chris and i have interesting discussions regarding Christmas. for him, it's become far too hackneyed, and it disturbs him how people get so over-the-top with decorations and displays. if i understand him correctly, he dislikes the hoopla for hoopla's sake because it destroys the solemnity of what's actually at the heart of a true Christmas. i would have to agree with that, in large part because what is a celebration of Christ's coming has been appropriated for money-making purposes. even the notion that we should focus on "what's really important" has been overdone and commercialized. "Christmas with the Kranks," anyone? i would say that our biggest point of disagreement, however, is over personal experience. for me, parades and lights and songs are not equally despicable. there are times for silliness and regression to childhood playfulness and innocence, and that doesn't necessarily dilute the truth in Christmas. after all, let the little children come to Him? we have to be like children in order to enter the kingdom of God? right? it makes me wonder.

my grandpa is in the ICU right now. i hope that he's able to be home by Christmas. well, "home" could mean almost anyplace at this point. he and grandma aren't going to be able to live in the townhouse anymore, and as it stands, he'll have to be in continuing nursing care for awhile. i hope that he recovers enough to be in assisted living with grandma. my mom sees what's happening as a positive change--he and grandma were struggling lately to get around the townhouse and keep up and everything, and now it's an utmost necessity to change to something easier. i agree with that, but for me it's very hard. it's one step closer, you know? i'm so used to grandma and grandpa being around, so much so that it's easy to forget that she's 86 and he's 87. i haven't spent enough time with grandpa. we've never really talked, just us. but then again, that's not his way. we have a good time just hanging out. and how lucky am i to have him for that? get better, grandpa. that's an order.