so maybe mom is right

i hate when that happens.

but, it happens a lot, so i might as well get used to it.

after some genuine angst-ing last night and the unavailability of my best friend to counsel me at oh-my-god o'clock this morning, i decided that i needed to talk to my mom about said angst. at least in my 26 years i've come so far as to realize the wisdom of that move. anyway, she once again shed a refreshingly knowing light on my situation, and she said something she's said a few times before. i've decided it's time to listen to her.

mom doesn't let the fact that i'm her only daughter get in the way of honesty, and she told me that, periodically, i am a saboteur of my own happiness. i read way too much into things, and in an effort to avoid somebody else shooting me in the heart, i end up shooting myself in the foot instead. and when i think about it, so what if somebody does? i've taken it for the team before, and i've always had people backing me up.

it occurs to me that i get scared of good things. it's been a pattern of mine to think, when something positive happens, that the other shoe has to drop soon, and it's going to drop hard. how sad and cynical is that? come to think of it, i'm that way about a lot of things--relationships, having bipolar disorder, jobs and the future in general. i've never before thought of myself as a pessimist, but maybe i am. i don't want to be. can i change that?