ugly mirrors

for the first time in a long time, i was disatisfied with my image today. of course, it couldn't have come at a worse time. i haven't seen chris in almost two weeks, and i wanted to find an outfit that would look especially sweet. just for him. and of course, what i tried on in the dressing room made me feel as though two prize elephants had just taken up residence in my thighs.

thanks.

now, i'm not some ignorant, blind, appearance-obsessed Cosmo adherent who has nothing better to think of herself than as an ill-made mannequin for somebody else's vision of beauty. please. that is so passe. but, for what it's worth, i truly believe that every woman struggles with who she is outwardly, in large part because she doesn't feel the way she thinks she looks, for better or for worse. i don't think i can explain that. it's even confusing to me, and i'm going through it right now.

what does 20+ years bring to a woman's body? right now, i'm popping my gum, daydreaming about my boyfriend and listening to cds while chair dancing in my cube. and yet, my body looks older than that. i'm not sure how i feel about this. and of course, if sharone or olethia or kim or cecilia or any of the older women in my life read this, they'd smack me silly because i'm just 26. but seriously, i have this thing about aging. sometimes, i feel no older than 6, and lately i wonder if that's as acceptable. is my spirit supposed to match my body? and if the answer is yes, then what am i supposed to do? lose my fondness for sharp crayolas and a blank piece of paper?

it's a strange thing for me. i really enjoy feeling womanly, and simultaneously, i prize the fact that i still possess what is, in some ways, a child's heart. this has me going in circles sometimes. i guess i don't really have a definitive picture of who, or what, i am.

it's not so big of a crisis, i think. i'll get back into shape soon, and ultimately i am not disastisfied with my body; sometimes, i just have Really Bad shopping days. damn the dressing room. these days, i know that i am loved for who i am, even if i don't know precisely who that is. so, i think my whimsy can reside in this body, this body with PowerThighs and UberButt. my whimsy laughs at that picture.

now give me my crayons.