12.20.2005

the washington post has two articles on Bipolar Disorder in today's issue. both are very well done. both make me cry.

confronting my disease is always hard. sometimes i feel like i don't have the right to call it that, even though, left untreated, like any other disease, it could kill me. but i won't let it. i'm sitting here in my cube, looking at the little momentos that i have, and i'm trying hard not to sob. i don't want my coworkers to hear.

compared to other bipolar sufferers, i have things under control pretty well. i'm what is labeled as "functioning." i've never had a manic episode like that which michelle capots describes (see first article). my most extreme depressive episode occurred almost three years ago, which, in the world of major disorders, is EONS into the past.

but whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

i still get angry that i have bipolar. i know that gives the disease a small degree of power over me, but doesn't it already have that? i live my life as two sides; on one, i'm infuriated and enraged at this thing that seems to have a chokehold on my mind, and on the other, i'm just grateful to know the grace of being alive. the one redeeming (?) aspect of this situation is that i'm not ignorant. long before i was diagnosed as having bipolar, in fact two years before being diagnosed as being chronically depressed, i knew that there was deeper value in knowing the greatest depth of emotion, as opposed to skimming along the surface. because of what i've seen within myself, i have a greater appreciation for what is truly beautiful. take from that what you will.

i can't concentrate right now. are we surprised? not at all. i just want to leave, drive down to chris's place and make dinner, and then we could curl up on the couch and get the sleep that we both (but him more than me) desperately need.

i hope that this isn't too personal, but i appreciate chris for something i bet he doesn't even realize that he gives. when he's silent and looks into my eyes, everything that he doesn't even know he can say is said, and i can rest. and for someone with bipolar, a moment's peace is the greatest treasure in the world. i can get so worked up with mania or depression, and it's scary. so i think that, after knowing those kinds of moments, i can truly appreciate somebody who doesn't have to save the world or fix me or be perfect; i am blessed to be with somebody who is simply himself and knows that that is enough.


please read these articles, as they will educate you and enable you to be there for somebody or, this is a distinct possibility, even be there for yourself.

"Dealing with Bipolar Disorder"--an account of a manic episode, by Michelle Capots
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/13/AR2005121301551.html

"A Sudden Shift in Moods"--an article explaining cyclomythia, a form of bipolar disorder, by Stacey Colino
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/17/AR2005121700892.html
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4 comments:

kelsci said...

I did not have the time or patience to read those articles. I have unipolar disorder(depression) and derealization. I did however have a 14+ year relationship with a gal who was bipolar with bouts of psychosis. When I met her should could consume nearly 4 gallons of fluids a day due to thirst from the medication mellaril and perhaps the lithium. She was a great girl regardless of the illness. She functioned as best as she could. Prior to her meeting me, she had been in and out of institutions for years. I do hope to post more pictures of her and I, but on kellsci2.blogspot.com has a picture of the little shrine that I have by my desk of her. She died 5 years ago while in a psychiatric hospital choking on a sandwhich; the cause being a drug she should have not been given by a psychiatrist because it can prevent a person from swolling. Yes you can die from Bi-polar and in essence she did. So there is one person out there who while not having the complete illness has witnessed somebody who had it pretty bad at times. I hope you are doing as well as can be expected. You say you are functioning which is good, but the only person who really knows how bad it really is yourself and maybe others who have it and are functioning enough to understand it.

18:49
kelsci said...

Joey; I had to go back to your blog to look at your profile. My late girlfriends functioning was limited in scope at times. She could never understand how cash worked or handle a checkbook. I, like you have had accounting experience, so I would handle in conjunction with her representative payee for disability, her finances. I have an accounting degree, but I could use it to wipe my ass. Judy, like you was into running, but more so jogging. She could go out in 90 degree weather and jog for an hour.
She would also work out in a salon.
As she got older, her functioning began to deteriorate but she wanted to exercise. I told her that she must try to use the playback mode of a VCR and after some stubborness she did. She or I was able to purchase or record off the air yoga and exercise shows. So for many years she worked out in front of the tv and was very comfortable with it.

19:03
Joey said...

thanks for chiming in, kellsci. sometimes i feel so isolated, even though intellectually i know i'm not. and i am doing pretty well--i have people around me who are the most amazing (and reliable) safety net. reality can seem pretty screwed to me sometimes, and these people can bring me back as best they can. i'll check out your blog today. thanks for sharing about your g/f.

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