insomniac

tomorrow's going to feel like hell. and by tomorrow, i mean sunday AND monday. i don't know what's going on here. i have a lot of things on my mind, not the least of which being my desire for a stability ball. i could sit on one of these things for hours. i like how my butt makes the ball roll around. i feel like i'm six again. awesome.

so here's a question: should i at all and how soon should i go back for a phd? here are the reasons against--i was so totally burned out from just getting a masters. because of bipolar disorder, things were much harder, and i went through hell just finishing ONE paper. would i be able to handle a much bigger work load, orals and a dissertation, much less the necessary extra stuff that would build a good, solid CV? reason #2--finances would suck AGAIN, and i'm already hating my current student loan situation. i seriously dislike the indentured servitude that is the grad life, and i'd like to be able to be self-sufficient without starving. reasons FOR--i miss it. i miss the classroom, i miss the level of literature, i miss the intellectual engagement, and i miss that being my sole focus. i felt like i would eventually make a difference in somebody's life. ultimately, i want to be teaching literature at the college level. i'm just not ready to go back quite yet...

other stuff--personal doubts are rough, and when i get manic, i can be extremely restless. i think that's a problem for me right now. i'm having a lot of trouble focusing and sitting still, literally and figuratively. maybe that's why i like the stability ball--it's both bouncy and relaxing. whatever. anyway, i get restless in relationships too, through no fault of the other person, and it can be abundantly confusing to both parties. my track record is to stick with things, though, although with some people, that has been a bad idea. so, thanks to that, sometimes i don't have a lot of confidence in my decision-making. chris told me tonight (this morning?) to just say "the hell with it" and just go with what i feel. that's so tough... i prayed for a long time tonight, asking God for guidance. He always comes through, sometimes in the weirdest ways. it's funny though, because i know when it's Him. i believe that i'm meant to be employed in some sort of educative capactiy. i see signs in all the time, in a whole bunch of different places. it's just a matter of moving on it, acting on faith. am i good at that? sort of, i guess.

well, i should try to put myself to bed. sing myself to sleep, maybe. daydream of fairytales until i actually start dreaming. night, everybody. count yourself some sheep for me.