post-Christmas whatev

am i only 26 and yet already jaded? i don't know. what i do know is that i was very frustrated with Christmas this year. i knew going into it that it wasn't going to be bing crosby and "holiday inn" and all that, and yet, i was hoping for something anyway. turns out, my whole family was tired, annoyed and at wit's end as to how to get some equilibrium back into life. and it's all because of time. i'm watching my grandfather and grandmother age with such rapidity that it's a little bit frightening, and my dad is being worn down in the process. that's not what Christmas is about, is it? let me break out the tried-and-true elementary school whine of "it's not fair."

i look at my mom as she tries to keep dad together. sometimes, she tries too hard to be the peacemaker and doesn't let people express seeds of discontent or conflict. that can make things worse sometimes, but somehow she knows to balance that and to really let things fly. she can intuit when dad needs alone time and when to "let" him buy a new major power tool. it makes him feel good.

i look at my grandmother as she shuffles around my parents' house. it saddens me sometimes to know that she locks herself into a depression and will not let us help her get herself out of it. and perhaps, i don't have enough patience with her about that, since i know that often our thought patterns can be self-defeating, and that that can be overcome. and sometimes she won't do that. she chooses sadness and guilt and emotional flagelation (sp?), and it makes me mad because she then dumps her weight on everyone else. again, maybe i'm being too hard on her, but i recognize those thought and behavior patterns because it used to be me, 100%, and a long time ago, i recognized how burdensome and hurtful it can be to other people. it's unnecessary, and it makes me angry sometimes that she won't get over herself. grandpa's declining health is not God punishing her. does anybody notice, by the way, how self-focusing depression can be? and yet, i love grandma so much. our relationship has changed so much in the past year. we've always been close, and then last year, she was screaming in my face for a myriad of things, her own health being a big problem. and now, her health is better, but grandpa suffers, and so grandma and i talk a lot. she talks about how she doesn't deserve things, about how her kids and grandkids are so much better than her, and so on and so forth. can she tell me when she stopped deserving human dignity and love and compassion and respect? if you confront her with a question like that, she'll hem and haw and acknowledge that she's an okay person. it pains me to see her picture of herself cloud over and diminish.

i look at myself occasionally pulling my hair out because i don't see anything tangible that i can do; there's no way to "rescue" anybody. i'm two hours away (if i go the speed limit), and i have my own obligations that keep me here in baltimore. on the other hand though, it's probably very fortunate that i'm not tied down. if i had a family, i'd still make the effort, but as things are now, it is much easier for me to drop everything and head north if need be. anyway, my family is in a major state of transition, one that started in 2004. there is so much changing right in front of my eyes, and i'm still trying to make sense of it. who are we now? who am i now? where do i belong? should i spend more time in PA or plow through down here? i have difficulty figuring these things out...

what i'm coming to realize is how much these people anchor me and i them. part of me wants to detach a little bit and settle myself in my own way, have something of my own. dammit, i'm so confused...